


Blinding my eyes from truth

by Giraffe23



Category: K-pop, 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Angst, Blindness, Blood and Injury, Deaf Character, Doctors & Physicians, F/M, Gen, Kim Seokjin | Jin-centric, Medical Procedures, Pain, Platonic Relationships, Self-Doubt, Self-Sacrifice, Sick Character, Sickfic, Touring
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-05
Updated: 2020-03-28
Packaged: 2021-02-26 03:20:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 27,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21676648
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Giraffe23/pseuds/Giraffe23
Summary: SeokJin's world had always been a little fuzzy around the edges, but he'd managed.His world had always been so noisy with a high pitched ringing that battled the songs and words of others, but he'd managed.His world had always been filled with so many hands pulling him in so many directions he felt like he would break, but he'd managed.His world had always revolved around them and keeping them happy to the point of neglecting himself but he'd managed.But now his world is silent and dark and lonely, and he's not really managing at all.
Relationships: Kim Seokjin | Jin & Everyone
Comments: 148
Kudos: 199





	1. Kiss me, it's okay if it hurts

**Author's Note:**

  * For [EbbaTriesToWrite](https://archiveofourown.org/users/EbbaTriesToWrite/gifts).



> This is something I've been planning for a while but just waiting for enough time to actually write it. I decided last minute I would try to upload for Jin's birthday so it's a bit late but hey, here we are.
> 
> I hope you enjoy this first chapter. Please drop a kudo if you enjoy the story and leave a comment to let me know what you think.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading and I hope you continue going forward. x

SeokJin leaned back against the wall, blowing his cheeks out before releasing a long, pained breath, as he waited for his cue to return to the stage. The roar of the crowd as Jimin performed his solo song ricocheting around SeokJin's ears and head; making the buzzing and uncomfortable pressure even more persistent.

Finally giving in to temptation, SeokJin yanked the unforgiving earpiece out of his ear; wincing at the excruciating pull of pressure the movement created. Gritting his teeth, SeokJin froze as the wave of agony washed through him and finally reduced back to bearable levels.

 _That was a mistake_.

Now that the noise protection had been removed SeokJin cringed away from the wall of voices chanting support for his dongsaeng on the stage. Everything was just so loud. The ringing, the screaming, the music.

 _Everything_.

SeokJin's head thumped in time to the song playing over the large speakers as he took a few deep breaths, attempting to relax. It was so frustrating to have what should be an enjoyable time, like a concert, be overridden by the frustration of a little ear pain.

At the start of the tour it had almost been unnoticeable, a quiet whining that was only really present when there was complete silence and, despite the effect on his sleep, SeokJin had managed fine. He had simply assumed it was a hangover from the loud atmosphere of concert after concert on their tour - what musician didn't have hearing problems at some point anyway?

He was _fine_.

However, as the tour had continued the whining had gotten louder and more persistent; almost malicious in how much it seemed to rob him of his precious down time. It was now getting to the point where SeokJin had bypassed worried and was heading straight for frustrated anger, but what could he do? It wasn't like they could cancel the tour because he was a bit annoyed and sleep deprived.

Reaching up, SeokJin pressed his fingers to his ears giving himself some relief from the thunderous music if not from the ever present internal ringing. It worked decently well, the music becoming slightly muffled in a way that allowed some of the tension to leave SeokJin's body but the headache that was now fully formed began to spike as he squinted into the stage lights.

Now that he had deliberately robbed himself of his hearing, SeokJin tried to follow the movements of a blurry Jimin at the front of the stage, angling his gaze slightly off centre to keep Jimin out of the blind spots in his gaze. Trying to drag his pounding mind through the choreography and then match it with the barely distinguishable figure in the distance was more than he was capable of at the moment, especially in the dim lighting, and SeokJin wanted to bash his head against a wall.

Narrowing his eyes even further, SeokJin questioned why he had even bothered to put his contact lens' in that day - it wasn't as if the prescription helped at all, despite being barely a few months old. His vision had always been pretty poor and the stylists' refusal to put him in his real glasses had left him little choice but the horrible plastic circles.

His vision all but useless apart from at closer distances and bright spaces but even then the blurriness and patches of nothing were hard to ignore, SeokJin had learned to navigate the world by sound and touch pretty early on. Sneakily asking a stage technician to turn up his inner ear music or asking a show producer to give him lines early so he could memorize them had quickly become a routine just to function normally.

It was embarrassing beyond belief to be so disadvantaged; especially when his fans wanted him to be perfect, to be happy and healthy but still perfect. It had taken a long time, far too long to be honest, for him to accept that the situation wasn't going away but, again, what could he do? His sight was already terrible and now he was losing his only real hold on the world as his ears were overrun with the high pitched ringing.

Letting out another deep sigh, SeokJin turned his gaze to the dark ceiling far above him and just waited. The song would end soon; then Jimin would leave to quickly change clothes and then a harried stagehand would prompt SeokJin on stage with a tense smile, everything would be fine.

_Just fine._

SeokJin was beginning to get agitated that the song hadn't finished yet - how long could four minutes go on for? - when a rough hand landed on his shoulder. SeokJin jumped and turned to look at Hoseok's grinning face.

"Hyung! I've been calling you for… did you not hear… I don't think I've seen… that way… what do you… Jimin… looks... good right?"

SeokJin would only watch as Hoseok's mouth moved and the sound weaved in and out of his hearing. Having no idea what was actually said, SeokJin forced a smile and quickly nodded in response; hoping that was the right thing to do.

Hoseok's continued to talk or shout, the other was definitely shouting to be heard over the music from the way the veins stood out in his neck, but as Hoseok turned to face away SeokJin lost any trace of his voice all together, the loud music drowning out his member's voice completely. Every time Hoseok turned to him expectantly SeokJin nodded or gave a simple word of agreement. The other man seemed so excited about whatever he was talking about that he didn't notice SeokJin's non-replies, or maybe he didn't care to call him out on them even if he did.

After a while, Hoseok gave him another pat on the shoulder in farewell before heading off into the backstage crowd to get to his own starting position. SeokJin let his head fall back against the wall painfully hard and rolled his face to side to give the illusion of watching the stage again.

A few blinks later and the lights dimmed signalling the end of the performance and allowing the sea of ARMY bombs waving and rippling in the crowd to come to life. SeokJin knew he should be getting ready but instead he stayed transfixed as he watched the lights that looked so much like stars and steadfastly ignored the increasing pain in his ears. It was really quite beautiful to watch the lights, each one held by a person that supported them, even to SeokJin's less than perfect vision it was absolutely beautiful.

A nudge to his shoulder and a frazzled looking stagehand with - **yup** \- a very tense smile jolted him out of his staring; starting to guide him towards the stage. SeokJin bowed awkwardly to the side in apology for not paying attention before he walked onto the stage, letting the professional mask descend as he went.

The shrieks that welcomed them onto the stage made SeokJin scramble for the earpiece that was still dangling around his neck and he shoved it back in. The sharp stabbing from the plastic now rooted in his ear was almost as bad as the shouting had been and SeokJin blinked back tears that jumped into his eyes at the sting.

 _Pathetic_.

Gritting his teeth, SeokJin got into position as the music started and the fans' screams grew impossibly louder; matching the screeching in his ears and head. He was beginning to feel a little dizzy from the overwhelmingness of everything but instead he allowed his body to take over as he danced along with the other guys.

Everything seemed to be going alright as SeokJin battled through the needle like pain and got where he needed to be without ruining the performance. It was a small miracle that he managed to sing but the constant drilling of his singing teacher and the endless hours of practise with the maknae line meant he could sing the songs in his sleep, or half deaf, apparently.

He was just beginning to relax, the end of the concert in sight, when something changed. A wave of heat spread from his ears like an explosion. So intense and hot and painful that at first he couldn't really register it happening, it was just too much but soon the feeling returned. SeokJin's stomach lurched as pain hammered into his head and ears; making his vision white out for a moment in a haze of static as the whining in his ears grew to a crescendo.

SeokJin didn't know what to do. He didn't even know where he was for that blindingly painful few seconds; it felt as if he would never pull through. Once the first wave had passed, SeokJin managed to suck in a breath and found that he was still dancing - he probably looked like a fool - but his body had clung to the only thing it knew as his brain shut down.

Looking around, everything seemed brighter with the static still clinging to the edges of his vision and it added to the different hurts clamouring for attention in SeokJin's mind. Catching sight of Jungkook, SeokJin realised his dilemma had not gone unnoticed. The maknae was grinning at him; a teasing jab of 'old man' probably already forming in his mind at the way SeokJin must have tripped or staggered.

The brief moment he had Jungkook's face in his gaze made SeokJin think he had gotten away with it; he had made it through. If the others weren't concerned for him, then how bad could it be? Internally straightening out his shoulders to continue the performance until the end, SeokJin stepped forward with the others and tried to get back into the dance.

 _How delusional_.

The pain was causing the ground in front of him to sway alarmingly and once his brain tried to take over from his mechanical body, everything fell apart. SeokJin's foot somehow missed the stage and he dropped like a stone; hitting his head on the hard surface as his arms flailed around him uselessly. A loud screeching of a microphone finally broke through the endless ringing in his ears along with the worried voices of his members and screams from the crowd and then… nothing. Absolutely _nothing_.

The familiar mass of NamJoon's body was suddenly pressed against his side and he was moving. Other colourful figures moved around him blocking his vision of the beautiful sea of stars while others walked to the edge of the stage making placating gestures but SeokJin heard none of the chaos around him. It seemed to just float by as his head rolled to the side and came to rest on his leader's shoulder.

SeokJin could just make out NamJoon looking down at him in concern from his fuzzy periferals, a grimace on his features, as they were suddenly swamped with other bodies all bustling and buzzing in panic. SeokJin could do nothing but watch sluggishly from a body that wasn't responding and he allowed himself to be laid down.

SeokJin lay in a daze as he blinked at his surroundings. Faces appeared and disappeared too quickly for him to track while he sat in a bubble of time that had apparently slowed to half speed. How was everyone moving so quickly? SeokJin continued to watch the commotion in confused awe as hands were pressed to his face and a light shone in his eyes. He couldn't really find it in himself to care as hands gripped his arms to haul him up and away once again, because for the first time in at least six months there was silence. Not even a ringing silence, just a complete absence of sound.

 _Nothing_.

Closing his eyes in bliss, SeokJin tried to soak up the wonderful feeling but a tapping on his cheek meant he couldn't enjoy it for long. Opening his eyes to a masked member of the medical staff made all of the confusion and panic from before set back in and SeokJin felt his chest begin to tighten. His vision changed dramatically, making him feel nauseous, as he was tilted back and laid down once again.

Why couldn't they just leave him alone?

Someone was above him again, chin moving under the medical mask as they tried to talk to him but nothing pierced through the buffer in his head. The staff spoke to him again their whole face moving slowly and emphatically but SeokJin still couldn't recognise anything meaningful from their efforts. The medical staff frowned deeply and turned to discuss more with the other staff members still huddled around.

Above his head SeokJin could see several of the other guys being held back and then herded away, their mouths moving so quickly they looked like blurs on their chins. SeokJin felt his mouth twitch into a smile at the ridiculous thought but the movement of his cheeks sent searing pain through his entire face. Another light was being flashed in front of his eyes but SeokJin didn't even blink at the harshness, he found himself completely frozen on the ground as his body just gave up processing what was happening.

What _was_ happening?

A trickle of warmth travelled down his neck and SeokJin reached up unconsciously to touch the spot, numb fingers coming away red and sticky. His hand was quickly grabbed by the medical staff and held away from the hot river on his face and neck.

The sight of blood suddenly sent SeokJin into overdrive, his mind only able to focus on the shiny liquid. As he watched, his fingers began to shake and more wet heat appeared on his cheeks as his breathing picked up and a dry rattle in his lungs tried to heave in more air.

The same medical personnel swam into his vision this time their mask was discarded under their chin and SeokJin could just about follow the carefully spoken words on their lips.

_Calm down._

Forcing a deep breath through his nose and then out through his mouth, SeokJin tried to follow the silent order and as he relaxed he realised he was gripping the medical staff's arm in a death hold. Sheepily letting go, SeokJin kept breathing slowly and deliberately as the person smiled encouragingly at him.

Another member of the team passed the main medical staff some gauze and SeokJin tried not to flinch as the side of his head was gently cleaned up. The red on the discarded rags seemed to be the only thing his mind could focus on as the cleaning process ignited ripple after ripple of pain from his ears.

After a while of wiping and prodding a large rush of painful suction appeared in SeokJin's left ear and suddenly a flurry of noises flowed back in. Muffled sounds, already competing with the loud ringing, finally invaded his eerie world. At first the words sounded as if they came from underwater but soon even that dissipated and SeokJin was left listening to long and complicated medical words as the team moved on to his right ear.

"Can you hear me now, SeokJin-ssi?" The doctor asked, not even pausing their work.

SeokJin managed a weak grunt and a slight head nod before he was scrunching his face shut in pain. Now that he was beginning to come back to himself he could feel the vast difference in pain levels between his ears.

"Sorry if I'm hurting you." The doctor spoke, not sounding apologetic in the least. "I need to clean you up a bit so I can have a look."

The raised voices of the others left SeokJin feeling agitated as the team continued to work around him; he desperately wanted to ask what was wrong but the pain kept his teeth clamped shut. Sheet after sheet of stained cloth was used on his right ear but when the medical professional leaned back and removed their gloves, signalling they had finished, there was still no noise from that side.

Panicked, SeokJin sat up to try and question them but he was gently pushed back down as the medical staff pulled out another small device to look into his ears again. SeokJin fidgeted as he waited for them to finish, the professional chatter between them all the only thing he could focus on as he stared up at the ceiling.

"Excuse me?" A worried voice suddenly broke through his reverie and he tilted his head up to see two company employees waiting nervously at the edge of the crowd.

SeokJin couldn't recognise them by voice and the angle he was lying at meant the light was throwing shadows on their face and distorting the already blurry shapes. So much was happening and he just wanted answers, but where to even begin?

"Can't it wait?" The doctor snapped impatiently and SeokJin had to admire how professional they were as they remained focus on whatever they could see in his ear.

"We just wanted to know about SeokJin-ssi's condition. Can he perform?"

"I can't tell you that until I've finished my exam but I would say it's unlikely."

"How unlikely?" The employee pressed anxiously, clutching her clipboard so tight SeokJin could see her knuckles turn white.

"I don't know yet."

"What do we do now?" The employee turned to her college who was running a hand through his hair.

SeokJin could see the growing panic in both of the employees eyes and he strained to to catch their words. The music from the stage had been turned off at some point while he couldn't hear and the bustle in the room was low enough that SeokJin could hear the employees arguement above the ringing with only a small amount of trouble.

"I don't know. Should we call Bang PD-nim?"

"He won't be happy if we have to cancel the show early. What if SeokJin-ssi can't continue the tour? How much money would the company lose? We need to start running damage control."

"His health is our first priority but it is unfortunate that it happened now." The man agreed heavily and they both turned to look at him.

SeokJin hurriedly looked away and felt guilt settle in his stomach. He was causing everyone so much trouble for something so small and all he could do was lie there like a giant china doll - everyone afraid he would break any second. Making up his mind, SeokJin grit his teeth and sat up.

The medical staff moved to try and keep him lying down but he batted away their hands and finally managed to get upright, even if the world spun alarmingly.

"I can perform."

"SeokJin-ssi, that really isn't a good idea right now." The doctor insisted. "I'd like to give you an IV and your right ear is showing signs of-"

"Thank you for taking care of me but I'm alright now." SeokJin bowed as much as his sitting position would allow. "I'm sorry for causing such trouble, I probably didn't drink enough before the show and fell. Sorry for my negligence."

"That's really not-"

"Thank you, Doctor-nim, but I really am okay now."

SeokJin watched the doctor sit back, looking defeated, before they nodded. Relief flooded through him as the doctor dropped the device from his ear.

"I am _completely_ against your decision but I understand. I will let you go, on one condition."

"What is it?"

"You come to me the second the concert is over so I can check you over properly. You may be an idol but to me you are still a young man with a potentially serious issue, do you understand?"

"Definitely, Doctor-nim."

"Good." The Doctor put the tools to the side to be cleaned by the more junior staff members before turning sharply to the employees standing hopefully by the door. "It looks like he can perform for now, but keep a close eye on him."

"Yes, Doctor-nim." Both of them chorused and bowed deeply. "Thank you."

The medical staff scattered as the two employees helped SeokJin to his, unstable, feet and shepherded him towards the make up Noonas. As soon as he stepped out of the room, grip on the guiding employee's arm the only thing keeping him standing, SeokJin spotted NamJoon and TaeHyung slumped in the small space. Both members immediately moved towards him once they noticed his arrival.

"Hyung." NamJoon said in the way of his that said so much even with just one word.

TaeHyung seemed to hover, his mouth opening and closing as his eyes darted from SeokJin's ear to where his hand was still supported by the employee. SeokJin hated to see the others worried about him; he was their Hyung and he was meant to protect them from worries like this. He was supposed to be strong for them, they all had things to deal with, and he didn't want them to have to be concerned about him as well.

Forcing a smile, SeokJin stepped forward and opened his arms for a hug. TaeHyung paused for a moment before gratefully stepping into SeokJin's hold. The younger man's arms were almost painful with how tightly they grasped him but SeokJin found he didn't mind as TaeHyung buried his face into SeokJin's neck. The wave of guilt from earlier crashed into him again, his members shouldn't be back here waiting for him they should be on stage performing and completing their dreams.

"I'm alright, TaeHyung-a. I promise." SeokJin muttered into the younger man's hair but let him cling on for a bit longer as he turned to NamJoon. "Where are the others?"

"On stage. They're keeping the fans calm and occupied." NamJoon eyed him critically as he spoke, his mind probably picking up on any number of tells that SeokJin wasn't even aware he had but the other didn't comment.

"You should join them. I'll get cleaned up and then explain what happened."

"Jin Hyung, I don't think-"

"I'm _fine_ , Joonie. We can't have the fans worried over nothing. Honestly, I'm fine."

"No, I agree with NamJoon Hyung." TaeHyung protested as he pulled away and grasped SeokJin by the biceps; gazing into his eyes desperately. "You shouldn't push yourself, Hyung. We can tell the fans you are okay while you rest."

"I can rest once we finish. I don't want them to worry about me and neither should you."

"Hyung, I really think you should rest. You just fell like a stone and then it was like you didn't even know we were there, or where you were."

"Tae. I'm fine." SeokJin replied earnestly.

"But Hyung-"

"Don't bother him, TaeHyung-a." NamJoon interrupted, sending a nod in SeokJin's direction while he pulled TaeHyung away and slung an arm casually around his shoulder. "Jin Hyung is tough. If he says he's okay, then he's okay."

SeokJin nodded back in thanks as NamJoon steered a complaining TaeHyung away. The other man knew what it was like to have a responsibility to the other guys. Being a good leader and a good Hyung were similar in many ways and SeokJin often thought that was why the two of them got on so well, they both had a role to play and a group to protect.

As he watched his brothers walk away, one desperate to care for him and the other trying to support him, it made his determination even stronger. He would _not_ allow something like this to get in the way, this concert; this tour was too important.

SeokJin couldn't put this tour on the line, couldn't take away the chance of performing in London - the place NamJoon had been _dreaming_ of for almost their entire career. They had all worked so hard for so long and they deserved this. Everyone was so excited; the whole of Korea seemed to be behind them as they stormed the music world. Who was he to go against such a tide of support?

He couldn't let them down. He just couldn't.

"SeokJin-ssi, let's continue shall we?" The two employees still standing beside him jolted SeokJin out of his thoughts. "You still need to clean up all the… the…"

 _Blood_.

Yes, the blood. SeokJin chuckled to himself as he walked down the corridor, feeling stronger with each step. He had given a lot for the job and the dream, sweat and tears and now? Blood.

Blood, sweat and tears.

 _Ironic_.

It didn't matter though, he would give it all again for his brothers. It was just a shame his body didn't seem to have the strength and determination his mind and soul did. Perhaps he needed to take some vitamins or something? Should he go to the gym a bit more? Try meditation maybe?

It didn't matter, his could get through it. It was nothing serious and the doctor would check him over once the concert was finished; everything would be fine.

SeokJin shook his head to try and refocus as he entered the preparation room and sat down; allowing the stylists to fix his hair and makeup. They fussed around him but SeokJin barely noticed as he tried to ignore the ringing in his head and get used to the fact that his right ear still seemed dead to the world. SeokJin took a deep breath.

Fine. He would be just fine.


	2. I could see the sunshine, shine, shine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone :)  
> Sorry for the slight delay on this chapter. Exams and all that jazz - good luck to everyone still going through it. Keep going and enjoy the winter break when you get there!
> 
> I hope you enjoy the story; please drop a kudo and a comment if you do because I love to hear what you guys think. Thank you for reading!

Once his hair and makeup had been touched up, SeokJin quietly slipped out the door and leant back against the wall. His head was still muffled and aching as he tipped it back to rest on the cool surface but the silence after the piercing ringing followed by constant chatter of the stylists was like a refreshing shower over his tensed muscles.

Taking a few deep breaths to really try and calm down some more, SeokJin raised a hand to fiddle with his hair but the visible shaking of his fingers made him freeze. His hand was almost a blurr with how hard it was moving and as SeokJin watched he saw his fingers slowly morph and change, his mind fixated on the blood that was no longer there. It seemed to glisten tauntingly in the light of the hallway and SeokJin swallowed; trying to remind himself it wasn't there no matter how bright it appeared. Even with the knowledge it wasn't real, SeokJin quickly pressed his hand to his right ear and pulled it away to check for blood.

Twirling his hand in front of him felt almost dreamlike as SeokJin watched something he knew to be impossible. The redness sticking to his fingers growing thicker and thicker until SeokJin could  _ feel _ it on his skin; an answering wetness sliding down his neck as well. Surely it would drip to the floor and leave its mark behind forever with how much there was.

Mesmerized by the slow movement, SeokJin didn't notice another person joining him in the corridor until a gentle hand landed on his shoulder; his vision snapped back into focus and most of the blood was gone.

"SeokJin-ssi, I can take you to the stage now… if you're ready? You don't have to go if-" The stage hand smiled at him in concern. "They missed some blood, one second."

SeokJin froze as he was gently cleaned up again and he curled his hand into a fist to hide the blood which might actually be real on his hands. He could see the doctor after the show and it would all be fine, SeokJin took a deep breath as he tried to remind himself of that.

_I'm fine_.

Once the stage hand pulled away and disposed of the tissue SeokJin smiled and bowed in thanks.

"Thank you, sorry for the inconvenience."

"That's alright." The technician replied warmly but still looked worried. "Are you sure you want to go on?"

"For course, let's go. Thank you." SeokJin nodded toward the stagehand, who visibly relaxed, even as SeokJin fought the sudden wave of nausea from the movement.

Rubbing his hand on his trousers for good measure, SeokJin took one last fortifying breath and followed the stagehand down the winding hallways of the venue. The dim lights of backstage caused SeokJin to strain as he followed, one hand trailing along the wall for reassurance - his ability to see in the dark had been one of the first things to get worse with his vision and the dark places around the stage were especially hard to navigate. It seemed to take forever and no time at all to reach the wings and he paused to be fitted with a mic pack and inner ear once again.

From his position, SeokJin could watch his members trying to distract the crowd on stage. They had shed their elaborate outfits and were walking around the area reading out signs or just messing around. It make SeokJin smile to seem they so capable and in control even while they were probably worried for their Hyung - he was so proud of them.

The cold hands of the technician slipping his wire into place jolted SeokJin out of his thoughts and he cringed as his inner ear was pushed in, the mild pain from before instantly returning. He almost told the technician not to bother with his right ear but he didn't want to worry the staff any more so he kept quiet and bit his cheek against the pain.

As he made the finishing touches to rejoin the others on stage, NamJoon seemed to spot him and causally come closer until he was next to SeokJin in the wings. At first NamJoon seemed to studiously avoid looking at him; trying to stay normal but eventually his worried gaze landed on the side of SeokJin's head and his defective ear.

"Are you alright?" NamJoon asked quietly; luckily it was onto SeokJin's left ear and he could just about make out the words.

"A little shaky, Joonie, but I'll be fine." SeokJin replied with a weak smile.

"You don't have to pretend, Hyung. What you said with Tae-"

"I meant it. I'm fine and it's probably just something an IV will fix right up. I'll see the medical staff again once we're done just to be sure it's nothing serious."

"It might be serious?" NamJoon's face was overtaken with surprise and worry as he tilted his head to take in SeokJin's ear at a better angle.

"Maybe, but I feel fine. It's just to make sure."

"Are you sure you're up to it Hyung? You don't have to if you-"

"I can do it." SeokJin implored and nodded as he got the all clear from the technician. "I promise not to over do it."

NamJoon watched him sceptically for a few moments before deflating and gesturing for SeokJin to lead the way out onto the stage.

"Don't worry, Joonie." SeokJin whispered into the leaders ear as he passed; squeezing the younger man's arm as he passed but NamJoon didn't look convinced.

The deafening shouting of the crowd made him wince a little at first as he stepped out but seeing TaeHyung and Jungkook come bouncing over to him in excitement was enough to encourage a smile. He couldn’t let them worry over nothing; so, when TaeHyung latched onto him, he allowed the younger member to take his arm to lead him to the front of the stage.

Yoongi appeared with a chair a few seconds later, which he offered to SeokJin with a concerned expression. Taking a seat with a grateful smile, TaeHyung quickly settling in behind him in a back hug, SeokJin gazed around at the sea of lights and banners he could see in front of them. The support was completely overwhelming as he listened to the crowd chant a mix of his name and various reassuring sentiments.

Accepting a microphone from Hoseok, SeokJin sat forward on his stool and cleared his throat. The whole venue seemed to still on a single breath and his held the microphone in front of his lips, thinking. Until that moment he hadn't really known what to say, but as he sat looking out at their fans with the others gathered around him SeokJin knew he had made the right decision to come back.

"Thank you for waiting." SeokJin started awkwardly, clearing his throat again as he felt Jimin's small hand land on his arm in additional support. "I'm sorry I made you all worry with the suddenness of what happened but I can assure you I'm alright now. The thought of ARMY out here waiting gave me renewed strength to continue to spend time with you all. So, as I said, please don't worry anymore; I will take better care of myself now and rest well before the next show. Thank you ARMY!"

TaeHyung tightened his hold at SeokJin's last words and smiled widely before pulling back to send large over head hearts out to the crowd. SeokJin almost regretted not hiding a heart somewhere on his person to complete the fanservice but he had been too out of it to think of it earlier. Jungkook was also grinning as he took the microphone from SeokJin and turned to the crowd with a mischievous glint in his eye.

"We told you this old man was okay. With all the love from ARMY we can recover from everything."

SeokJin pretended to lunge over at the maknae for a head slap in revenge but Jungkook sprinted behind Yoongi; making a ridiculous show of hiding behind the smaller guy. SeokJin resorted to pointing menacingly at the youngest but he was already laughing along with the others.

"Gone and come back to cause trouble already, there's clearly nothing wrong with you Jin Hyung." NamJoon took over and began to steer them back onto the regular schedule; turning to shout at the crowd. "Now that we're all back... **do you want to see the next song?** "

The wave of screaming in response to NamJoon's shout restarted the buzzing in SeokJin's head as he swivelled awkwardly on his stool, knowing the others wouldn't allow him to even _think_ of joining in the choreography. It felt awkward to be separated and in front of so many people when he wasn't physically injured but the show had to go on so he put on a large smile and watched the others preparing.

The isolation make him feel more sympathetic with Jimin's constant complaining about sitting out for his neck and back. SeokJin has never understand why the others protested sitting out when they were clearly injuries but, as he sat there swinging his legs, he could definitely see where they were coming from.

"He said:  **Do you want to see the next song?** " TaeHyung and Jungkook hollered into a mic together; making the crowd even louder and SeokJin couldn't stop the wince escaping.

There was no relief as the loud speakers blared the backing track to the next song and SeokJin resisted the urge to hunch his shoulders up against the noise. Watching the others go through the impressive choreography of the next song on their set, SeokJin fiddled with handheld microphone and sang when he needed to; interacting with HoSeok when the other came over to dance around him for fun.

Throughout the rest of the performance the others all teased him about needing to be taken care of; Jungkook had even managed to produce a stethoscope from somewhere and he pressed the cold metal over SeokJin's heated skin to shock him occasionally. Yoongi also joined in to playful actions, dabbing down the sweat on his face and neck after the songs finished as if he were taking care of a girlfriend in the heat.

Performing always felt like a bit of a blur, just a rush of emotions to be treasured the next day, but as SeokJin sat there he could feel every single throb and pulse in his ear as they rang painfully. The words left his mouth on autopilot but it wasn't with a surge of energy to do well and instead SeokJin felt like he was drifting through their discography, unaware and forgotten.

Despite the synergy in the arena that usually left all the members buzzing and happy, SeokJin felt irritable and drained by the time they had said goodbye and bowed to the crowd. The right side of his head felt hot and hard to the touch and the pain had increased steadily throughout his time on stage to be nearly unbearable.

As they all disappeared into the wings, Jimin was suddenly jumping onto his back to wrap arms around his neck and SeokJin couldn't hold back the hiss of pain from the movement. Jimin immediately sprung away, the excitement draining from his face, and the younger man rushed to apologise.

"Hyung, I'm sorry. I didn't- I'm sorry. What happened? Are you okay? Is he okay?" Jimin turned to question NamJoon but before the other could reply the staff doctor appeared with a clearing of throats.

"SeokJin-ssi?"

"I'm coming." SeokJin told the doctor before turning back to his anxious members grouped around him like brood of ducklings. "I'm fine, Jimin-a. Doctor-nim just wants to make sure and check things over but I'm really okay. No harm done."

"You'd tell us if something was wrong, right Hyung?" Hoseok questioned, crossing his arms in suspicion. "You're not hiding things? You can tell us; let us help you if you need it."

"I'm not hiding anything, I'm fine."

The other members took a moment to consider his answer before reluctantly nodding and turning to head to their dressing room.

"Please look after our Hyung, Doctor-nim." Jimin called out over his shoulder as he left.

The others all wandered away with well wishes to SeokJin until he was left alone with the Doctor and Yoongi. The tightness of his roommates jaw and furrowed brows worried SeokJin and he hoped the other hadn't been hurt during the show.

"Yoongi?" SeokJin prompted.

Yoongi didn't answer but instead pulled out several crumpled tissues he had been wiping the sweat away with during the performance. At first SeokJin was confused by the other man's actions but as Yoongi spread them out for the doctors inspection SeokJin caught sight of the red spotting the sheets in his members hands.

"His right ear was bleeding for the entire performance." Yoongi told to Doctor, his voice quiet and obviously pained.

"Thank you Yoongi-ssi. I'll have a look at him now." The doctor nodded, face already creasing in thought.

"Thank you Doctor-nim." Yoongi bowed before turning to SeokJin with a raised eyebrow and steely look. "Just because you're the oldest doesn't mean you have to deal with this alone. Listen to Hoseok-a, they can help you and Joon and I definitely can. You might still see them as teenagers; see all of us a dongsaengs, but we can handle it."

SeokJin watched Yoongi turn and leave without another word before allowing the doctor to guide him into a private room. Sitting numbly on a chair as he waited for the other to set up their equipment, SeokJin considered Yoongi's words.

He knew they had all grown up so much since the start where he would commonly find an unsure fifteen year old tip-toeing around the dorm of strangers or two sullen 19 year olds whining about wanting more studio time. They were stronger now, older and more experienced, even if the maknae line still lived up to their title every now and then. Even with all the changes, SeokJin was still reluctant to tell the others; to make them worry.

Yoongi's words still tumbled around his head, could they handle it?

There was enough going on with Jimin's back and muscles, Jungkook's near heat exhaustion, and the rumours flying around them; not to mention the craziness of some fans. SeokJin couldn't burden them with this because it would stop the others coming to him with their problems, their kindness not wanting him to be burdened while sick, but if he was out of the picture they would have to go to NamJoon or Yoongi. SeokJin was very well aware of the mental states his oldest dongsaengs were in and he didn't want them to take his share of the responsibilities; risking their health and wellness in the process. If they not only had to contain their own problems but also help the others and reassure them about SeokJin himself, things were bound to go downhill quickly.

So all things considered, no, SeokJin didn't really think they  _ could _ handle it.

"SeokJin-ssi?" The doctor's voice interrupted his thoughts and SeokJin jumped slightly. "Could you hear me just now?"

"I- I'm sorry I wasn't paying attention."

"This is important, SeokJin-ss, please focus." The doctor scolded and SeokJin nodded, feeling contrite. "I just need to check you right ear and someone said you hit your head when you fell?"

"Yeah, on stage."

"I'm going to check for a concussion - you were slightly sluggish and unresponsive earlier so it's best to be careful. I'm thinking you might have an infection and vertigo, which caused you to fall.

"An ear infection? So, I'm fine then?"

"I'll let you know once I check, but it seems likely."

The doctor snapped on some gloves before reaching up to manipulate and consider SeokJin's ear. Grabbing the same device from earlier, the doctor sat on a wheeled chair and began to look into SeokJin's ears - first the left and then moving over to the right.

"Would it take a long time to heal? The tour… I mean… could I…?"

"It should clear up with a round of antibiotics." The doctor smiled. "If it is an infection you'll be fine to perform and- oh."

"What?" SeokJin asked nervously.

"Can you hear out of you right ear?"

"I… well, I… no?"

The doctor wheeled away without a word to change the head of the device before returning to look in SeokJin's right ear against. SeokJin could feel the strange device moving around in his ear canal and tried to hold still against the mounting pain.

"Was your hearing bad or getting worse before the concert tonight?"

SeokJin froze. The doctor had just worked out his secret, had seen something that gave him away. All thoughts that nothing was wrong with him flew out the window, after all, he had just been medically examined and diagnosed. There had to be something wrong to be seen.

Swallowing, SeokJik looked up to see the sympathetic gaze of the doctor watching him and waiting. Taking a deep breath, SeokJin nodded.

"How long?"

"About a year now." SeokJin confessed.

"I think it would be a good idea to see a specialist, and definitely before the tour continues." The staff doctor advised, wheeling backwards so they could talk face to face. "There are definitely signs of infection, the blood most likely comes from a perforated eardrum and infection, but there is also swelling and abnormalities with your cochlea in both ears."

"Right." SeokJin struggled to form the single word, he could feel the same floatiness from earlier settling over his body as the words and actions around him seemed to become distant.

"This will only get worse, SeokJin-ssi. It needs to be dealt with."

"Dealt with?"

"I'm not entirely sure how extensive the issue is but loss of cochlea hairs and damage to the cochlea can cause hearing loss. At your age I think it would be worthwhile checking it out in case there is an underlying issue."

"Under...lying…?"

"It could be a wide range of things, but I can't say for sure. Go and see the specialist before you start worrying, alright SeokJin-ssi?" The doctor waited until SeokJin could muster a nod before continuing. "I can phone ahead to the hospital for you and then get your manager to take you straight there tomorrow, okay?"

SeokJin sat numbly, staring unblinkingly at the wall opposite him, as the doctor began to set up an appointment. The ringing in his ears a mixture of their usual background noise and the shock of what could be happening. Trying to force the words and the meaning behind them into his head, SeokJin couldn't keep up with the thoughts and worries that exploded around him.

Hearing loss? It couldn't be, he couldn't lose his hearing. If he lost his hearing, he lost everything.


	3. Take it all away, I hate you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> G'day everyone. I hope you had a lovely winter holiday and Christmas if you celebrate it. 
> 
> This next chapter is more focused on Jin's thoughts and establishing the medical context for the rest of the story so sorry if this is too slow. Also if you are uncomfortable with medical environments and discussions this might not be for you as I tried to do lots of research.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading and I hope you enjoy the chapter. Please leave a kudo and a comment if you do, I really enjoy reading your thoughts and taking your feedback on board.  
> Enjoy x

"Kim SeoJin-ssi? Doctor Lim will see you now."

The calling of his name in the quiet waiting room made SeokJin's head snap up to attention. He shared a quick look with his manager, a tight smile passing over the other man's lips, before SeokJin swallowed hard and got up to follow the nurse down the corridor.

The sterile white walls and posters warning of highly infectious diseases made SeokJin's heart pound in his chest as he walked. Several doctors passed him by and SeokJin made sure to bow to each just to distract himself and delay the entry into the examination room. When the nurse turned to him, impatiently waiting with their hand on the handle of the door, SeokJin forced himself to speed up and try to push his concern away.

Once the door was pushed open and SeokJin had stepped inside, he felt some of the tension leaving him at the cluttered and homely office. The doctor swiveled around in his chair to greet SeokJin and direct him to be seated at the desk. SeokJin did as he was told and looked around as he waited for the doctor to face him.

The small room was decorated with various notices and autonomically correct diagrams of ears and eyes over the walls; several torn and peeling. Opposite where he was seated was a large wooden cabinet with a perspex cover and a seat inside that looked like it was covered in black foam and several tangled wires. The knowledge that he was being seen by a specialist, but not knowing exactly why, sat in the back of SeokJin's mind like a heavy weight as he sat quietly.

"Thank you for coming so early, SeokJin-ssi." Doctor Lim finally greeted him as he set his joined hands on the desk between them. "This was the only slot available on such short notice but I was informed you were having hearing problems and bleeding during you last performance?"

"Yes. I ummm… I had some pain and ringing - if that makes sense?"

Doctor Lim didn't say anything but nodded in understanding so SeokJin took a deep breath and continued.

"Anyway, while performing it got worse and I felt dizzy. Then there was a lot of bleeding and the medical staff for my team thought I should see you."

"Was the pain sharp or dull?"

"Mostly dull and then really sharp for a little while."

"Okay… and the ringing, did you hit your head recently or has it been present for longer?"

"It's been… I've had it for a while." SeokJin wrung his hands as he spoke, already knowing the reproving look would be on the doctor's face. "About a year; it's been getting worse recently."

"I see."

Doctor Lim wheeled closer and picked up the same device the SeokJin had seen being used on him before. After a while of examining both his ears, the doctor hummed to himself and moved back to type on his computer.

"So, you said it's been present for about a year and it's getting worse?"

"Yes, about that."

"That fits, I can definitely see signs of infection in your right ear which will explain the bleeding but I would also like to do a hearing test. Is that alright?"

"Yes, that's fine." SeokJin nodded.

"I'll have you sit in the audiometric booth over there and then play a set of different pitches for each ear and slowly increase the volume. You just let me know if you can hear the pitch or not, does that make sense?"

"Yes."

"Okay, Nurse Han will attach some earbuds and then we can begin."

He watched turn to Doctor Lim set up something on the blurry computer screen, narrowing his eyes slightly to try and catch a glimpse of it. SeokJin was even starting to lean forwards when hands on the side of his head made him startle and jump.

"I apologise, SeokJin-ssi." The nurse stuttered, pulling their hands away and stepping back in surprise.

"That's… that's okay. I just didn't see you." SeokJin reassured the nurse as he settled himself back in the chair.

"SeokJin-ssi?" Doctor Lim called and SeokJin turned to face him in confusion. "You didn't see Nurse Han? Not even in your peripherals?"

"No, I- no?"

Doctor Lim tapped his pen against the desk in thought before turning to consult his notes again. SeokJin watched with mounting confusion as the doctor leafed through papers; scribbling down notes as he went.

"We'll continue with the hearing test and then we can go from there. Sound good?"

"Yeah."

The nurse stepped closer again and SeokJin held still as soft earbuds were fitted into his ears. The muffling of his hearing placed a weird pressure in the sides of his head and along his jaw as he was guided towards the large cabinet. Doctor Lim had stood up to open the clear door and motioned for SeokJin to sit down.

Once he was comfortable Doctor Lim attached some wires to the earbuds and another set of electrodes to the skin behind his ear. After double checking all of the connections the doctor closed the door and moved back to his computer.

SeokJin could see the doctor and nurse talking as he waited in the booth but the insulation of the foam stopped any of the words making it through to him. Doctor Lim turned to the computer and watched as a line began to trace along the screen. SeokJin kept sitting and watching until a notification appeared.

The doctor took a while to study the notification and graph before turning to the nurse. The pair spoke for a while before the nurse nodded and left the room quickly. Doctor Lim turned back to the computer and brought up another graph. SeokJin continued to sit still as he waited for something to happen.

At first he couldn't notice any changes, the muffled quiet and ringing in his ears the only noise that reached him but as he remained seated there was a sudden shift in the pitch of the ringing on his left side. It startled SeokJin a little and he raised his hand to catch Doctor Lim's attention.

"I think I can hear it. I'm not sure."

Doctor Lim simply nodded sternly and made a note before continuing the test. After the first pitch SeokJin could hear the tones intermittently as he sat in the booth, some faster than others as they rose above the background ringing in his left ear. When the notification popped up again Doctor Lim opened the clear door and guided SeokJin back to his seat.

"From the test I can see that you have no hearing in your right ear - which is consistent with the signs of infection and eardrum damage - and your left ear also has a limited range; especially restricted in the higher frequencies."

"What does that mean?"

"On its own, I would suggest it was just a severe infection but I am concerned about the other symptoms you have presented."

"Other symptoms?"

"The high ringing you mentioned is most likely tinnitus and your limited peripheral vision in addition to your age could indicate a larger underlying problem."

"What's wrong with me, doctor?" SeokJin couldn't help the shake in his voice as he asked.

"I need to check a few more things before I can be sure but we could be looking at a genetic condition called Usher syndrome. It's not very common but type three often appears in young adults and effects hearing, vision, balance and..."

SeokJin sat back heavily in his chair and tried to understand what was being said to him as the weight gathering on his chest forced the breath from his lungs. The roaring of his blood in his ears completely wiped out the words of the surly looking doctor, who was continuing to speak, as well as SeokJin’s own scattered thoughts.

It couldn’t be  _ possible _ .

He had been fine the day of the concert, having brushed off his dizziness and the pain in his ear; completely ignoring the alarming emptiness on his right side to carry on with the show. Thinking back on the hours leading up to him being seated in a medical specialist's office, SeokJin just couldn't wrap his mind around what he had just been told.

He had been fine. He  _ was  _ fine.

Glancing back up at Doctor Lim, SeokJin tried to settle his heartbeat and pay attention to what was being said; taking deep breaths until the words began to trickle into his awareness again.

"... but I've asked a colleague of mine from the Ophthalmology department to stop by and give me their opinion on your vision before we place any labels anywhere."

"Ophthalmology?" SeokJin blinked in confusion.

"An eye specialist."

"But I thought it was my hearing that was… Is there something wrong?"

"I am concerned about your peripheral vision but my colleague can tell you more about-"

Doctor Lim was interrupted by a knock on the door and he rose to answer the door. The two doctors greeted each other pleasantly before Doctor Lim invited the older woman into the room and offered his chair by the desk.

"Hello SeokJin-ssi, my name is Doctor Kang from the Ophthalmology department. I'm just going to have a quick look at your eyes if that's okay?"

SeokJin sent a quick glance toward his original doctor before he nodded and turned to watch Doctor Kang pull another strange device from her coat pocket. The bright light was slightly painful on SeokJin's eyes as the doctor told him to follow her finger around. After she was finished she pulled out another device and leaned in closer to look at the magnified image.

Once again left to sit awkwardly while he waited, SeokJin tried to relax and stop the doubts and concerns battering his mind. Doctor Kang worked efficiently and soon she was pulling away; nodding to Doctor Lim gravely. SeokJin looked between the two doctors questioningly and the frown pinched between Doctor Lim's brows didn't help the worry growing in his gut.

"I'd like to have a look at the back of your eyes and the retina." Doctor Kang spoke at last as she packed away. "I'll go and get some numbing eye drops now and come back to have a look at you, alright?"

SeokJin could only nod, he was so confused and slightly scared at what all the cryptic looks and falsely reassuring words really meant that he didn't really want to ask. Doctor Kang smiled and then slipped out of the room quickly leaving him alone with Doctor Lim again.

"While Doctor Kang is getting those eye drops… why don't we have a chat, SeokJin-ssi?"

"Yes." SeokJin gulped. "Yes, why not."

"Firstly, I have a few more questions and then we can discuss what we might be looking at."

"Okay."

"As well as issues with your peripherals, have you experienced difficulty with night vision?"

"Yeah, I've been struggling with dim light such as back stage or in the evenings."

"Any dark spots or streaks in your vision?"

"I don't think… when I look at bright lights I have a few… but I barely notice them."

"Any trouble with balance and maintaining stability?"

"A little bit, I guess. I've always found dancing and working out a bit difficult if that has anything to do with it."

"Okay, thank you SeokJin-ssi. I'm sure you are a little confused but I just wanted to make sure before worrying you."

"I understand." SeokJin crossed his arms tightly in front of his chest before continuing. "Do you… have you got an idea…"

"Yes, my colleague and I are almost certain you have Usher Syndrome - we still have a few more tests to assess how advanced the symptoms are but it seems most likely."

"And what does that mean?"

"The hearing and sight loss will get worse. There is gene therapy we can have a look at that might stop the symptoms progressing anymore but the damage already done is almost certainly irreversible."

"So… I would need something done or…?"

"Your left ear is still within functional range and there's nothing we can really do about tinnitus but with this diagnosis it will likely decline quite quickly. Your right ear has reached a stage where an implant would be required to return hearing."

"Implant…?"

"Yes, an auditory brainstem implant. It's a surgically attached device, internal and external, that allows input to be turned into electrical impulses and sent straight to the brain; avoiding the cochlea - which is the point of abnormality in your ear."

"External? Would it be visible?"

SeokJin wasn't vain but his mind immediately turned to his group and all the staff depending on them to succeed. If he needed a large device permanently attached to his head, how many fans would find him 'unattractive' afterwards? How many advertisers would overlook them for another, less broken group? Would people lose confidence in him because they deemed him disabled or  _ less, _ despite his well established capabilities?

"I can give you more details when the time comes but for the initial surgery a patch of hair would need to be shaved; after that I'm sure you could grow your hair to cover it well enough."

"Oh… okay."

"SeokJin-ssi, I appreciate this is difficult for you but your health is only going to get worse. I understand having an image as an idol is very important but if you can't sing or hear, I don't see how you can continue."

"I… I…" Suddenly a thought struck SeokJin and he lost track of all protests he had. "What about my vision? You said that would be affected too?"

"Yes. Usher syndrome suffers often development retinitis pigmentosa in adolescence which might explain your progressive, and rather extreme, sight loss. Doctor Kang also confirmed the possibility of cataracts which would further impair your vision."

"Can something be done?"

"The cataracts, if present, can be removed in a simple surgical procedure. Retinitis pigmentosa is currently not curable but a Vitamin A palmitate might help slow down the degradation; even if it continues to get worse, most patients retain central vision well into old age."

"Another surgery? How long would all of it take?"

"Recovery can vary but six weeks is a good estimate for both procedures. You would be well supported through the whole process and in the future with mobility workshops, sign language classes, and even low visibility services or allowances. I would recommend that you have the two surgeries as soon as possible to try and stop further deterioration."

SeokJin sucked in a breath.  _ Six weeks? _ He didn't have that kind of time to spare, they were scheduled to go on tour and appear all over the world. Eyepatches and a bulging device on his head would ruin the entire plan. He may need the surgery but he had managed fine without it and it could wait the few months they were abroad.

"I understand that, Doctor, but do you think it could wait? I just… with the tour… I don't-"

"Don't decide just now." Doctor Lim rushed to interrupt SeokJin, making it clear what he thought about delaying the treatment. "See what Doctor Kang finds in her further tests and then we can discuss it more."

SeokJin grit his teeth together and nodded, deciding to stay silent despite knowing he wouldn't change his mind. He couldn't risk everything, not their dreams and their struggles, he just couldn't. Despite how much the situation had escalated since he had decided to work through everything as he sat backstage; SeokJin knew he would stick to it.

Soon after Doctor Kang returned and gave SeokJin some numbing eye drops; escorting him back to the waiting room with the instructions to stay well hydrated and not worry if his vision went blurry. SeokJin settled back down next to his manager and let out a deep breath.

"Everything alright?" Sejin asked quietly after a while of them sitting together in silence.

"They still need to do some more checks."

"Did they say anything?"

"It might be something but they want to check my eyes."

"Your eyes? What did they say about your hearing?"

"Only what we already knew."

"Jin, you can talk to me."

"There's nothing new to say."

"Jin-"

" _ I just want- _ " SeokJin bit his lip to stop himself from snapping at the older man even more and tipped his head back against the headrest. "Sorry Hyung… I just- I don't know what to think at the moment."

"Okay. We can talk later." Sejin agreed easily, even though he shifted uncomfortably in his seat beside him. "We can talk later."

SeokJin closed his eyes and tried to take several calming breaths. He didn't want to admit his weakness to his Hyung but, most importantly, he didn't want to see the concern and disappointment in his manager's eyes at his decision to stall treatment. Sejin had become as much a family member as the other guys had throughout the years and SeokJin never forgot exactly what the older man did for them; how much he cared and sacrificed for them. He knew just how much they all meant to the older man.

Worrying his manager and the other guys was the last thing SeokJin wanted to do but he knew hiding it would only cause more issues down the line, especially for the company. Maybe he could still keep the worst of it away from the other members if Sejin knew and would help him until he could have the surgery done.

Opening his eyes again, SeokJin blinked rapidly against the strange feeling of the numbing drops starting to work; making everything feel hard and bigger than normal. After taking a moment to adjust to the feeling, SeokJin turned to face Sejin and watched the blurry figure reading a magazine for a few moments.

"Hey, Hyung?"

"Yes Jin-a?"

"I… I'm sorry."

"What are you sorry for? It's not your fault if you're sick and need time to deal with it Jin."

"I know."

"Then what's going on? I don't want to push you but the guys said you seemed really out of it last night and we're all worried about you."

"It's… just a lot and I don't want to be selfish. We're finally doing well and now we can finally go to London and-"

"Jin." Sejin spoke calmly and placed a gentle hand on SeokJin's arm. "Whatever it is, the tour and everything else can wait. No one would even dream of asking you to risk your health to do something that can easily be delayed."

"I don't  _ want _ to delay it, Hyung, I need to do this tour. No one has to _ask_ , I want to do this. I just… I'll need a bit of help."

"What do you mean?"

"Just please let me decide my own choices."

"Jin?"

SeokJin looked down at his unfocused hands and dug his fingers into his trousers. He could do this, he  _ should _ do this. Turning back to his manger, SeokJin found it oddly comforting that the other man was nothing more than a vague shape and he couldn't see his expressions as he began to talk.


	4. We are changed you know

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, hope we are all off to a good start in the new year. I wish you the best going forward and I hope you all have fun things to strive for.
> 
> If you enjoy the Chapter please leave a kudo and comment letting me know what you think, or if there are any things you'd like to see.
> 
> I hope you like it.

The rustling of paper was the only noise in the car as Sejin sorted through the various documents SeokJin had been loaded up with on his way out of the clinic. The two doctors had been very helpful with collecting every pamphlet and piece of department contact information SeokJin would need for the rest of the process.

SeokJin kept his eyes closed and his head reclined back against the car seat as he listened to each pause and considering hum from the manager. The rustling continued for a long time and SeokJin was glad Sejin was taking everything so seriously, he had barely been able to remember a single word of the stack as he read through it. SeokJin waited patiently until the scrunch of paper stopped suddenly and SeokJin braced himself for the inevitable question.

“You’re really doing it then?”

"Yeah."

SeokJin didn't even need to ask, he  _ knew _ . At the bottom of the pile, deliberately tucked away, was the waiver SeokJin had signed with the two doctors. They had very carefully explained what a bad idea waiting was but SeokJin just couldn't bring himself to ruin more than a year's worth of work for so many people. The waiver removed any blame from the doctors for the pretty much inevitable event of SeokJin's hearing and sight getting worse over the months of the tour.

"SeokJin… this is serious. We're talking about permanent hearing  _ and _ sight loss. We can easily delay the tour for six-"

"I don't want to delay."

"Seokjin-a, don't be stubborn. This is stupid. I can't let you do this to yourself and the others will be-"

"I don't want to tell the others."

"You- what?! Jin, you can't be serious."

SeokJin heaved out a sigh and turned his head away towards the dark world outside the window, still not opening his eyes. He couldn't face his Hyung, seeing the pain he was causing would probably be enough to change his mind but SeokJik couldn't; he wasn't ready.

Delaying the tour meant accepting something was wrong and SeokJin just…  _ couldn't _ . If he was still working and performing with his members then he was okay and things were normal. Losing that normal wasn't an option. How could he accept treatment and wreck the tour of a lifetime for something that, to his mind, didn't seem real.

Telling the members wasn't an option either. Telling them meant explaining it; giving the disease a name and a future, an influence in his life and over his loved ones. SeokJin couldn't bear to make the others worry, not with the constant flow of issues they faced day after day - he was their Hyung and he could protect them.

"SeokJin? Are you listening to me? You need to reconsider this."

" _ You're _ not listening to me." SeokJin replied, his voice sounding so hollow and worn out even with a few simple words.

"I'm trying, Jin-a, but what you're saying doesn't make any sense. How can you do this?"

"I have to, I can't do anything else."

"You can do some many things. Get treatment; take a hiatus! Anything but  _ this _ ."

" **I** **can't!** " SeokJin shouted, snapping his eyes open and rounding on the older man; taking them both by surprise. "I can't."

"But why?" Sejin seemed desperate, his hands shaking and crumpling the sheets he still held.

"Because I can't. I don't know why and I can't explain it, but I can't Hyung. Please understand."

"I can't, Jin. I can't sit by and watch you do this to yourself!"

"Hyung… please…"

SeokJin's voice cracked as he pleaded with the other to understand; to support him in his decision. Sejin remained locked in a face off with him, his expression inscrutable as his jaw set and his eyes turned glassy.

"I need time to think." Sejin muttered as he scrambled to climb out of the car and slammed the door behind him.

SeokJin sat in the ringing silence left by Sejin's departure and tried to swallow down a sob that caught in his throat. Letting his head thump back against the headrest, SeokJin waited until the car interior light went out before he moved again. The darkness of the underground parking meant that outside of the car seemed like a void of blurry grey as SeokJin gazed through the window.

Finally rousing himself to leave the vehicle, SeokJin grabbed his bag from the footwell and climbed out. Closing the door one handed SeokJin started to search for his key to the building and their apartment when the shape of a figure leaning on the bonnet stopped him in his tracks. How had he not seen Sejin sitting a few metres in front of him?

Sejin slowly turned to face him but didn't show any other reaction to his appearance. The manager stood with his arms crossed and the papers still bunched in his hands; SeokJin's gaze flitted to them before returning to rest on the others face.

"I'm going to pick up your prescription eye drops and the Vitamin A this afternoon." Sejin's voice was hollow and void as he spoke. "We'll need to meet before we leave so I can put safeguards in place for you for the tour."

"Okay."

"Okay." Sejin nodded and then pushed off the hood to climb back into the car without another word.

SeokJin stood motionless for a few moments longer before hoisting his bag higher up in his shoulder and heading towards to building door. Taking the stairs so he had something to do, and to delay the storm of questions from the other guys, SeokJin sighed to himself.

He needed more time to think but time was the one thing he didn't have to spare. His life insurance and the influence from BigHit would mean he had access to the best medical care that could be provided. His family's reputation would also help speed the process along and everyone would support him but he couldn't ask for any of the help until he was ready, and he  _ wasn't _ .

By the time he stood in front of their apartment door the questions and doubts were still swirling noisily around his mind. Was delaying the right option? What was he even meant to delay - the treatment or the tour? Both? What could he do? Was it too late to change his mind?

Taking a deep breath, SeokJin unlocked the door and pushed into the strangely calm home. Muffled noises were coming from the living room so SeokJin quietly took off his coat and shoes before padding deeper into the house to find his members. Slipping into the room and sticking to the wall to avoid being noticed, SeokJin glanced at the blurry images of a historical drama playing on the television screen before checking each of the guys in turn.

They all seemed calm and relaxed as they lounged around. NamJoon was snoozing with headphones on while Yoongi was engrossed in his phone and Hoseok in his laptop. TaeHyung and Jimin seemed to be the ones actually watching the drama as they quietly muttered to each other about what was happening. Jungkook was missing from the room but SeokJin could see a pot of steaming ramen on the table; surrounded by a few discarded art supplies.

SeokJin was about to slip out again and hopefully shower off the hospital smell and unsettling feeling on his skin before he was interrogated when a new presence leaned against the wall next to him. Turning slightly to face the maknae, SeokJin couldn't hold back a small smile as he took in Jungkook's unruly, sleep-mussed hair held back by a bandana.

"When did you get back, Hyung?" Jungkook asked quietly, mindful of the others gathered around them.

"Just a few moments ago. I'll shower and then make some dinner for everyone, sound good?"

Jungkook was silent for a few moments, quietly regarding SeokJin with inquisitive eyes. It was odd to suddenly be reminded of just how mature the youngest could be when the situation called for it; having watched Jungkook grow from being a child to man it was sometimes odd to be confronted with an equal instead of a dependent. Of course, Jungkook was still silly at times, they all were, as was the nature of their job and fan service but, at home; like this, it was clear to see the maturity behind Jungkook's considering gaze.

"What did the doctor say?"

"Said an infection caused the bleeding and I've got a few treatment options we discussed."

"Just an infection? I didn't know it could be so serious."

"It-" SeokJin paused, he had to thread carefully. He didn't want to worry the others be he also didn't want to lie either. "The infection isn't serious, it should clear up quickly."

"Not serious? Hyung, you looked so ill."

"Probably just shock making everything worse. I'm managing alright, Kookie."

"So, you'll be okay right?"

SeokJin was about to answer when an excited call of his name drew his attention away and back to the other occupants of the room. TaeHyung and Jimin had swivelled around to face him over the sofa while the three older men watched from the sofa opposite.

"You're back, Hyung?" Jimin called out, a little surprised but trying to hide it under a happy smile.

"Yeah, I just got in."

"What did they say?" NamJoon asked, leader mode instantly taking over as his headphones were abandoned beside him.

"Is it serious? Did they tell you they would have to do surgery?"

"Surgery?" SeokJin froze and glanced anxiously at TaeHyung who blinked back innocently - there was no way he could know.

"Yes, to remove your brain. It's only been holding you back, Hyung."

"I'm your Hyung, brat!" SeokJin scolded but he couldn't help feeling relieved at the teasing.

"Sorry." TaeHyung pouted and shrugged. "But seriously, how was it?"

"An ear infection caused the bleeding and dizziness; I got some ear drops and Vitamins."

"That doesn't sound too bad?" Hoseok smiled at the news but seemed cautious to really be happy with the words; seemingly waiting for the other shoe to drop.

"Not at all." SeokJin agreed. "The infection should clear up in three days, a week at the longest."

"That's so good, we were really worried Hyung." TaeHyung whined, playful energy returning now that everything was settled and alright.

"I'm glad you're okay." NamJoon added. "And hopefully everything will be sorted before the tour so we can just enjoy it without worrying. Make sure to let us know if anything changes from now on."

"Yeah, you got lucky Hyung." Jungkook chimed in as he moved past to sit at the table again. "Can you imagine having to miss the tour?"

"That would be a nightmare." Jimin's eyes widened at the thought. "Having to adjust the choreography would be so stressful and the fans would be upset too."

"You'd probably end up trending worldwide though. Imagine how crazy they would all be to show their support."

"Worldwide support for worldwide handsome." SeokJin teased and sent a half-hearted air kiss into the room.

"Aish, save that for the performances." Yoongi grunted and heaved himself off the sofa to leave the room but paused to pat SeokJin on the shoulder. "I'm glad you're alright; let me know if you need anything else."

SeokJin nodded in thanks and watched the other man leave quietly before turning back to the already distracted members in the room.

"I'm going to shower and then make some food. Do you guys want anything in particular?"

"We went out and got your favourite stuff earlier, Hyung." Jimin looked at him from upside-down on the sofa. "Lobster and noodles are in the fridge and I already cut up some vegetables."

"Cold noodles?" SeokJin said thoughtfully, not surprised by the members care but still touched nonetheless. "I think I can manage that."

"Great, we also bought some chicken.  _ Thanks~ _ " Jungkook pleaded childishly as he continued to draw.

SeokJin chuckled at the cheekiness but didn't even bother to engage Jungkook's playfulness - he got the hint of what the other wanted. Shaking his head, SeokJin left the room and headed to his bedroom for a shower.

Having a quick shower to stop any unwanted doubts and thoughts taking root in his head, SeokJin dried off and hurriedly redressed before heading to the kitchen. He could see the debris of Jimin's 'help' around the counter as small bits of peel lay scattered around. Too many knives to count were piled by the sink for washing and a wet dish cloth was discarded on the side having been used to wipe up. SeokJin took a deep breath and shook his head at the disarray but at least they had attempted to clear up the place.

SeokJin hummed to himself as he tidied away the remnants of Jimin's attempt to cut up the vegetables and got the rest of the ingredients for the dish out. Turning from the fridge, he nearly jumped at the sight of the small dog sitting in the centre of the breakfast bar and wall counters with his tongue sticking out goofily.

The shaking that seemed to come with the energy of all small dogs made Yeontan look slightly frantic as his large eyes watched SeokJin; his fluffy ears flicking in consideration. SeokJin placed the food down and stooped to offer a hand and the little dog whined happily before pushing into SeokJin's fingers, ready for some affection.

SeokJin picked Yeontan up and pulled him close to his chest; breathing in the slightly musty scent for a while. SeokJin soon realised the dog was wriggling around and sniffing at him curiously, he watched the behaviour for a bit until Yeontan pressed his nose against SeokJin's right ear and whined loudly. SeokJin moved to hold the little body away from him so they could meet eyes and studied the cute face in front of him.

"Do I smell funny to you? Hmm?"

Yeontan stared back at him, panting happily, before yawning and snorting a little at the precarious position; his little legs waving about.

"Maybe I do, huh? I read that dogs can smell illnesses."

A small confused wag of a tail was the only reply SeokJin got as Yeontan cocked his head. The talking getting him excited but the meaning of the words completely lost on his canine brain.

"Maybe that's just cancer though? I've never heard of a dog smelling-"

"SeokJin? You in here?"

SeokJin's mouth clamped shut as NamJoon suddenly called into the kitchen; quickly shaking off his shock, SeokJin placed Yeontan down on the floor again before standing up to peer over the counter.

"Yeah, I'm here. Did you need something?"

"The others thought you might need some help in here."

"So, they sent _you_?" SeokJin raised an eyebrow, teasing NamJoon about his infamous cooking ability.

"Yeah… well, they… they didn't-"

"It's alright, Joonie. I wouldn't mind the help."

"Oh, good. What can I do?"

"Depends?"

"On what?"

"On why you would willing offer to help me cook. What do you want?"

"I don't want-" SeokJin sent NamJoon a hard stare and the other man relented. "Fine, I wanted to make sure you are okay. Really okay."

"I said I was."

"I know but you tend to keep things from the younger members to 'protect' them. You can talk to me. Are you really okay?"

"I am and I would appreciate it if you told everyone else that too. I imagine that question will get tiresome really quick from the six of you."

"Alright, Hyung, I'll tell them. I trust you."

The simple statement stabbed into SeokJin's chest. Could he really betray that trust? Everyone kept saying they wanted to help him; they wanted him to just be okay, maybe he should tell someone. NamJoon could be trusted; he was so smart maybe he would even have a better solution.

SeokJin shook his head and pushed such thoughts away - he had made his decision now - and focused on NamJoon who was still standing awkwardly in the doorway. An idea quickly formed about how  _ exactly _ NamJoon could help.

"Is that all?" SeokJin tried to aim his voice for aloof as he folded his arms casually.

"Yes." NamJoon smiled, recognising the mischievous look in SeokJin's eye. "Do you actually want my help, or?"

"Of course, you can clean out the chicken cavity and cut the breast into strips. Oh, and grab me some eggs from the fridge, I'll soft boil some."

NamJoon chuckled but did as he was told; SeokJin just had to accept that he had brought it on himself when three eggs immediately tumbled out of the fridge and onto the floor when NamJoon opened the door. Yeontan yipped in fright and skittered out of the kitchen, leaving NamJoon and SeokJin wheezing at the whole thing.

They cooked together and chatted amicably about things before they settled in to silence for a while, SeokJin neatened up the vegetables and seasoned the water on the stove before adding the lobster carefully, head first. Setting the timer, SeokJin punched the time in and was glad he had so much experience with the device because setting it by sight would have been an issue, the button labels small and fuzzy even when he squinted at them in annoyance.

A soft curse cut through the rumble of the bubbling water on the stove and SeokJin's head shot up, he just  _ knew _ NamJoon had done something stupid. Dumping the timer on the counter, SeokJin whipped around to find the leader standing in front of the partially cut up chicken breast with his finger clutched to his chest; SeokJin shook his head at the sight.

"Wash the cut, Joonie, you don't want to get salmonella." SeokJin reached over to twist the tap on before moving to the cupboard to find a plaster and disinfectant. "How big is the cut?"

"Not very big."

"Okay, one second."

SeokJin rummaged around for a few different sizes of plaster and the cotton buds before returning. NamJoon was still forlornly holding his finger under the running water when SeokJin reached for his wrist to to inspect the wound. The cut was small and SeokJin was glad NamJoon had done as little damage as possible.

After he had patted the cut dry, SeokJin gently dabbed a soaked cotton ball over the area; making NamJoon hiss slightly. SeokJin shook his head and continued to focus until the wound was just a light pink line on the skin. Once he was done, SeokJin reached for the plaster and quickly had to yank it away from NamJoon's outreached hand.

"Joonie, your hand is wet; you'll mess up the plaster."

"Sorry." NamJoon grimaced, scrunching his eyes shut and dipping his head in embarrassment. "I should I have thought of that."

"It's alright, I can do it."

"What would we do without you, Hyung?"

"It's nothing. You worry about the big stuff; leave the simple little things to me." SeokJin replied, distracted by the peel of the plaster that was just a little too blurry to easily find.

"It's the little things that matter."

"Oh, really?"

"Yeah. I really don't know what we would do without you and all the little things you do for us."

"I really don't do-"

"Seriously, Hyung, I'm so glad you're okay. You do so much to look after us that we would probably fall apart without you."

SeokJin froze and flitted his gaze up from the plaster to NamJoon's face. NamJoon was smiling jokingly but there was an underlying  _ something _ in his eyes that make SeokJin cough and look away.

"I'm sure you would all manage." SeokJin kept his gaze down as he spoke, looking up at the other's face in that moment might well have lead to everything spilling out and SeokJin couldn't let that happen, not now. He'd obviously made the right decision, allaying their fears, so he had to remain strong until the tour was over - for them. "But I'm glad I'm here to help anyway."

"We're glad to have you." NamJoon slapped SeokJin on the shoulder playfully and SeokJin couldn't help but smile.

_ Yeah, definitely the right decision. _


	5. Look at me, why can't you recognise me?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone. Sorry for the missed weekly upload - it really means a lot that you guys are waiting for the next chapter so I will do my best to keep them coming but uploads might be a little hit or miss for a bit.
> 
> I definitely won't give up on this fic but the mood hasn't been hitting recently. I hope you all enjoy this lastest chapter. Please let me know what you think in the comments and leave a kudo if you enjoy. It really means the world to me to share something and you can enjoy. 
> 
> I hope you all have a great week

After dinner Sejin had dropped round to surreptitiously deliver the ear drops and vitamins. They had curtly discussed times for the meeting and any other members of staff that should be notified before Sejin had handed over a large white envelope, carefully concealing all of SeokJin’s medical information, and left.

It was clear the older man was still frustrated at SeokJin’s decision from the scowl that had been etched on his face and the absolute refusal to step one foot into the apartment. Watching his manager and long-time friend angrily walk away had made SeokJin’s heart clench and he collapsed against the door frame to take a few wobbly breaths.

He didn't mean to hurt them and, contrary to Sejin's belief, he didn't want to hurt himself but it was hard. He had to protect the other guys from knowing but, most importantly, he had to protect himself. SeokJin took pride in himself and his accomplishments, he was a man and a successful performer; he didn't want to just become… _broken_.

Letting out a deep breath, SeokJin closed the main door and turned around to find Yeontan sat right in the center of the hallway, gazing up at him with a tilted head. Jumping a little at the unexpected sight, SeokJin pressed his hand to his chest and stuck his tongue out at the animal.

"Don't scare me like that. I can't hear you, you little ninja."

He used to be able to, Yeontan was very loud for such a small body. The dog constantly barked and whined and sneezed, his claws clattered on the smooth floor with every step but, now, it was a shock to find him just _there_.

Yeontan yipped happily; his little tail brushing over the floor as he watched SeokJin. Unsure exactly why he was being followed by their floor-legged roommate all of a sudden, SeokJin shook his head and tried to slide past.

"You just sit there, then. I'm just going to-"

As soon as he started moving Yeontan was on his feet, tongue lolling out in contentment as he pattered after SeokJin. Noticing he was being followed, SeokJin stopped and turned around making the dog look up at him expectantly as he stopped as well.

"I don't have any treats. Go and bother your daddy." Yeontan sat down in response and continued watched SeokJin adoringly. "Shoo!"

Yeontan barked in reply, jumping to his feet and prancing around a little before bowing in a signal for play. The dog's nails skittered on the floor as he hopped around excitedly and SeokJin watched in bemused confusion.

"What do you want?"

Yeontan snorted and then sat back down to continue his adoration. It felt very weird since the shy and nervous little dog often liked to curl up and sleep or remained plastered to TaeHyung while they were home. Shaking his head when Yeontan just continued to sit there, SeokJin restarted his attempt to head down the corridor.

Immediately the little footsteps started up again and a glance over his shoulder showed Yeontan trailing him. Pausing again, he watches in confusion as Yeontan also stopped and peered up at him; seemingly perfectly content to wait. This happened a few more times before SeokJin gave up and knelt down to pick Yeontan up.

" _What_ do you _want_?" SeokJin couldn't keep the desperation out of his voice. "Come on, tell me."

Yeontan leaned forward to lick SeokJin's face and SeokJin spluttered, dropping the dog back to the floor. He climbed to his feet, scrubbing his face with the back of his hand, and headed to the living room to complain. Spotting Hoseok on one of the sofas he crossed his arms in faux annoyance, even as Yeontan sat delicately on his foot, and huffed.

"Where is TaeHyung-a? His pet is being weird."

"I'm here, Hyung." TaeHyung's voice suddenly sounded from behind him as a pair of arms slid around his waist.

"Good, control your animal."

"What's Tannie doing?" SeokJin was about to answer but TaeHyung suddenly leaned over to talk directly to Yeontan. "You're just being friendly, aren't you? Yes, you are. Yes."

SeokJin rolled his eyes at the stupid voice TaeHyung used towards the dog as he leaned down to talk. The way Yeontan's eyes lit you and he practically fell backward trying to gaze up at his owner made it slightly understandable as the cute face turned towards them.

"Still weird."

"What did you expect when you let TaeHyung-a have a dog. It was always going to be weird." Hoseok snorted.

SeokJin grunted in agreement, not really having much to argue - Hoseok was right after all. TaeHyung soon stopped fussing over the small dog and returned to rest his chin on SeokJin's shoulder.

"Was he bothering you, Hyung?"

"No, he's alright. Just weird. He keeps following me."

"It's probably because you're ill. He did the same with Yoongi Hyung when he had appendicitis."

"Oh, yeah… maybe."

"He just wants to make sure Hyung is okay. Don't you?" Yeontan yipped, seemingly in confirmation and TaeHyung chuckled. "Good boy."

"That's sweet and all but I don't want him in my room. You keep him."

"Aw, don't go Hyung. Stay with us."

"I'm just going to put something away." SeokJin shrugged and waved the envelope dismissively in front of him.

"What's that?"

"Nothing, j-just mail." SeokJin stuttered, his heart pounding in his chest as he held the envelope away from TaeHyung's prying eyes and reaching hands.

"Just mail? Who from?"

"I don't know, it's just… you know, mail."

"Are you hiding something? Did you lose a bunch of money again? Huh, Hyung?"

"No. I mean… I said I didn't know. I'll just put it away and joy you."

"You're no fun." TaeHyung whined playfully but SeokJin could feel anxious tingles spreading down his neck and arms. "Show me? Show me, show me, show me."

"You're such a child." Hoseok sighed; rolling his eyes from the sofa.

"So?" TaeHyung pouted. "Hyung is being mean to this child."

"I'm not being mean-"

"You're the meanest Hyung. Come and cuddle with me to apologise."

"TaeHyung, I really-"

TaeHyung began to shuffle them into the room. SeokJin dug his heels in the ground and his elbows in TaeHyung's side as he tried to stay by the door but the younger man had grown much stronger over time and moved them both easily.

SeokJin could feel his heart rate increasing as he was forced into the room. If he couldn't out the envelope away there would be more and more questions until someone found out, he had to get away.

"Tae… let me go."

"No, come sit with us, Hyung."

"I don't want to, TaeHyung-a. I was going to-"

"We just finished dinner. Don't leave so soon."

"Stop it, I've got other-"

"Just for a little, please? Please, please, please~"

"Don't whine. You can sit with Hoseok-a."

"But Hoseok Hyung isn't sick. Just stay for a little bit; let me look after-"

SeokJin cringed as the ringing in his ears reached a fever pitch; nearly drowning out the thumping of his heart and TaeHyung's teasing voice. Yeontan was getting tangled in his feet and yapping loudly as he was pushed forward, stumbling. He couldn't stay, staying meant explaining and explaining meant lying and lying meant-

" **TaeHyung! Stop it!** "

His shout brought the whole room to a standstill. TaeHyung pulled away sharply and Hoseok stood up from his seat in surprise at SeokJin's raised voice.

"I'm… I'm sorry Hyung." TaeHyung looked so confused as he wrung his hands together and looked down at the carpet.

"No, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have yelled. I'm just tired."

"I didn't mean to piss you off."

"I know you did, it's my fault."

"Are you alright?" Hoseok stepped forward, his hand outstretched to grip SeokJin in concern.

"Yeah, I'm fine." SeokJin stepped out of his friend's reach and shrugged. "I'm just tired."

"Hyung… what's going on?" The hurt was still shimmering in TaeHyung's eyes as his voice croaked out the question. "Is it the letter? Did… did something bad…?"

"It's just a letter." SeokJin interrupted quickly and turned on his heel before he could see anymore of the pain on his dongsaeng's face.

Keeping his head down as he hurried down the corridor, SeokJin tried to ignore Yeontan's loud whining and the happy voices of Jimin and Yoongi teasing each other as they did the washing up in the kitchen. SeokJin almost dived into his room to escape the others and slammed the door to his room; making himself flinch.

SeokJin threw the envelope on his bed angrily and began to pace around his room. He knew the pages inside weren't the cause of his problems and anger but he couldn't stop sending them glares as he walked. They felt like condemnation, like damnation; like a letter to a dead man.

Groaning, SeokJin dropped into a crouch and scrubbed at the back of his head in annoyance. The envelope really wasn't the problem, he was and his stupid need to be seen as strong and capable. Sickness shouldn't matter, it wasn't his fault, but SeokJin didn't want to be seen as weak in any way, shape, or form.

He was the only one causing his problems, one of which was how helpless he felt. Taking a deep breath, SeokJin stood up and picked up the envelope; moving to his desk to read. There was only one way to fight the helplessness and that was to understand; then he would still be unable to change anything but at least could prepare for what was to come.

Fortifying himself, SeokJin tipped out the contents and started to read but, no matter how hard he tried, the words on the paper seemed to swirl uselessly around his brain, each making sense on its own but not adding meaning to the overall understanding. The medical language just seemed harsh and cold; as though SeokJin and his suffering were simply another statistic.

SeokJin turned to his computer and wiggled the mouse to wake it up. Once he had pulled up the web browser he started out simple and searched for ear infections. Quickly scanning the educational and informative websites for a general idea seemed to give him the same results as the doctors had: healing in three to seven days, no flying, and antibiotics. Simple enough.

Sighing, SeokJin sat back in his chair and scratched the back of his head distractedly. Sejin had already told him there would be a week's delay for the ear infection, he couldn't fight _that_ delay even though the waiting made him anxious. No doubt Sejin saw the extra time as a possibility SeokJin might change his mind and undergo treatment but for SeokJin it was simply more time lost to the growing fuzziness and ringing silence.

Having resigned himself to the fact he was going to have to allow the week's delay SeokJin opened up a new search tab and entered the diagnosis he had been given. At first, nothing useful turned up and SeokJin didn't feel masochistic enough to look up the list of symptoms he could look forward too. Instead, SeokJin decided to break each part down; started on the sections from the hearing specialist.

The treatment suggestions included ear drops for the eardrum perforation and a possible follow-up surgery if it didn't heal on its own and an implant. The implant was what worried SeokJin the most so he quickly copied across the name to see just how obvious and ugly it was likely to be.

When the pictures loaded SeokJin let out a sigh, his imagination had been totally off. The auditory brainstem implant was really quite manageable, it hooked over the back of the ear and a small plastic tear-drop shape was attached to the skin slightly higher up - the possibility of it being covered up with hair was completely viable. A quick recovery and a few months to grow out his hair and most people would be none the wiser and, most importantly, he would have his hearing back.

Leaning back in his chair with an astonished huff, SeokJin began to feel some hope return as he read more about the procedure to attach it and possible results for post-surgical hearing. Scanning through the rest of the page, he felt his spirits bolstered even more and decided to turn his attention to the visual side.

The Retinitis pigmentosa seemed to be irreversible but not a total loss of vision and SeokJin reasoned he had managed fine with the limited peripheral vision for long enough. Cataracts seemed less permanent and, while the diagrams of the surgery made SeokJin queasy, he found that some recovery times were a little as two weeks. Definitely not the doom and gloom he had been expecting considering the doctors' reactions.

Feeling satisfied with what he had found out, SeokJin returned back to the original search and scrolled around aimlessly; unconsciously hoping for a post about a miracle cure or a helpful hint on how to manage. He was just about to give up and head back to the living room - and to apologise to TaeHyung - when a link caught his eye.

**Get help and get it FAST - Usher's Syndrome.**

Intrigued, SeokJin clicked the link and watched as a blog site slowly loaded. Unsure what he had just opened he cautiously scrolled down and began to read.

_As a lot of my followers will know, my daughter has been suffering from Usher's Syndrome for about five years now but instead of letting the prognosis get us down we came here to offer advice and support to others. I want to personally and deeply thank all of you for embracing my family and our lives so wholeheartedly and I'm proud of the community we have created here._

_However, I write to you all today with a warning and a heart filled with guilt. I beg you if you have this disease or if you know someone who does, please PLEASE get them immediate help._

_My daughter was diagnosed many years ago but due to money concerns and her fear of surgery, we refused treatment. As time progresses she lost all hearing and most of her sight except for a very narrow field of vision and by the time we sought treatment, it was too late. The doctor informed us it had been a long time since surgery would have been possible._

_Due to her condition, my daughter was extremely dependent on myself and my husband; she even had to give up her dreams for the future. As you can imagine this had a large impact on our life as a family and her individually. It wasn't an overnight transition but it ran away from us so quickly it might well have been._

_Last year, she was diagnosed with severe depression which we kept private for many reasons._

_Last week, she told me she wished she was dead. She has become so distant and indifferent that it truly feels as though we have lost her. We have lost hope._

_I'm sure those of you reading will feel sympathetic or maybe disgusted by her wishes but I stress on you to take my advice whatever you feel._

_She was happy and in love with life before this diagnosis so don't think you are above her. Left untreated this disease will eat you up until there is nothing left, no matter how strong you are now._

_So, please, get the help you need as soon as possible. Before it's too late._

SeokJin stared at the monitor until heat began to prickle behind his eyes and down his nose. Suddenly, jerking back to himself SeokJin could feel his hands shaking violently on the desk and he violently pushed away for the brutal words displayed there.

That poor girl; her poor family. SeokJin buried his face in his hands, ignoring the wetness that spread there, and tried to take deep breaths. It was sad and terrifying but he had the members; he had his dreams, he wouldn't fall to-

_'don't think you are above her.'_

Jerking his head up from his shaking hands, SeokJin frantically searched the room for his phone; grunting in frustration when the tears and damnable blurriness made finding the small object impossible. Scrambling desperately from his chair, SeokJin fumbled numb fingers over the contents of his desk and then moved to check in the folds of his messy bedsheets.

When his fingers finally closed over the device SeokJin nearly sobbed in relief; clutching it as his wobbling legs dropped him to the floor in a heap. Curled up against the side of his bed SeokJin tapped violently at the screen, not really seeing or knowing what he was doing until the familiar sight of JaeHwan popped up on the screen indicating an outward call. Barely a breath passed before the line connected but SeokJin shook with relief as if he had missed human contact for days as the voice of his closest friend called out to him.

**“Hello? SeokJin-a?”**

“Hyung…” SeokJin’s voice came out as a whisper, the respectful title rarely used between them but a lifeline at that moment.

JaeHwan was his Hyung, his support, he could make sure everything was alright. His closest friend, the most trusted confidant, and biggest joy - JaeHwan could understand. Just having the phone in his hand and knowing JaeHwan had probably picked up immediately, just to be there for him, felt like a devotion so deep it could heal and fix anything.

_Even himself._

**“Jinnie? Are you alright?”**

Even just hearing his voice was enough and SeokJin managed to wrestle enough control over himself to revive some bravado and talk normally. With the panic quickly receding, SeokJin wondered if he had reacted too fast and tried to downplay his upset.

“You heard what happened at the concert, then?”

**“Of course I did. Everyone and their Chinese grandmother knows what happened. I would have called but I didn’t want to bother you.”**

“No bother, I’m doing much better now.”

**"I'm glad."**

"The doctor said an infection causes the bleeding and dizziness but it should clear up pretty quickly."

**“Shouldn’t you be resting? It seemed pretty serious...”**

“I’ve rested enough; I actually… I think I need someone to talk to right now.”

**“The others smothering you too much?”** The gentle and affectionate teasing soothed something in SeokJin’s chest and he managed to uncurl and lean back against the bed. **“I can meet you for a meal as an excuse to get out of the house for a bit.”**

“And to make _me_ pay.” SeokJin grumbled.

**“When have I ever?!”**

“All the time.”

**“Fine, fine. I’ll pay this time. Our regular?”**

“I- I don’t know if going out is a good idea; I’m still recovering from… well, the infection is still there.”

**“Oh, of course. Then... do you want me to come to you?”**

“No, I need you to do me a favour.”

**“If it’s picking up your toilet perfume spray, I’m not doing it again. I don’t care how much Hoseok stinks after a-”**

“Jae! It’s not that.”

**“Well thank fuck. The serving lady gave me such a dirty look last time as if idols aren’t meant to poo or something. I should have told her it was for HakYeon Hyung."**

“What are you- never mind.”

**"I'm joking. What can I do for you?"**

"Well, it's just that… I need to tell you- umm… it was…"

SeokJin trailed off, could he really just tell JaeHwan? Just like that? Was it that simple? SeokJin shook his head, he couldn't be that selfish. If he told JaeHwan he owed as much to his members and telling someone else increased the chances of it being revealed by accident. No, SeokJin couldn't tell anyone; he could manage after all.

**"Come on, Jin-a, spit it out. You want to talk, let's talk."**

"No, it's alright. I'm probably the one bothering _you_ now. It doesn't matter."

**"Why don't I come over and see you in the next few days? I'm going to miss you when you're away."**

"We'll be busy with the tour and-"

**"Jin-a…. Talk to me."**

The soft words make SeokJin freeze - he knew that tone of voice; had seen it countless times over the last few months.

His relationship with JaeHwan had always been that of 'buddies', people that hung out during the good times and had fun, they messed around to girl groups, ate food, and watched stupid shows but they didn't really deal with anything else. It had only really changed when JaeHwan had arrived at the agreed restaurant in a daze because he was fighting with one of his members and it was hitting him hard.

Any group of people that is together for long periods of time will end up fighting and groups were no exception. It was commonplace for tensions to run high and two members would have an argument but it was always dealt with quickly. From what JaeHwan had explained that day, the situation had been very different and he felt helpless.

Even knowing full well it was his fault, JaeHwan had continued to spit barbs and nasty words out of exhaustion and frustration. Sitting in that restaurant SeokJin had seen a new side of his friend and just how much JaeHwan could feel and care about things. Through the weeks afterward SeokJin had guided, supported, scolded and comforted JaeHwan; seen him beg his member to listen and talk to him using the exact same voice.

"I- I am talking to you." The words got caught in his throat as the memories swirled around his mind.

**"No, you're _sp_ _eaking_. I want to talk. What's going on with you?"**

"I'm just-"

**"I'm your friend. Trust me… _please_."**

"Alright." SeokJin swallowed to clear his throat and closed his eyes to hide from his own words. "I'll tell you."


	6. I don’t know if I have a lot of thoughts or no thoughts at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope everyone is doing good and happy to be out of January, at last! Did anyone else think it was like 10 years packed into a month? Anyways, here is the next chapter, last as kinda promised, and full of maybe all the things you didn't want but there you go.
> 
> Big thank you to my beta reader @m00dym00nie on twitter for reading over this chapter and giving their opinions and support. I couldn't have done it without them :)
> 
> I hope you enjoy the chapter and if you do please drop a Kudo or leave a comment. I really like hearing from you guys and seeing what you think, or what you want to happen next. Sorry again for the delay but thank you for reading! x

“Alright, thank you for letting me know.” SeokJin sighed at the forced politeness in the phrase and shamefully sunk lower in his seat. “Is there anything else I need to know?”

“N-no, that’s... it.” SeokJin stuttered anxiously.

“Okay, thank you for talking with me; from what I can tell as long as we stay on top of the things we discussed and watch the infection, the tour can go ahead.”

“You can’t be-”

“I understand,  _ and _ appreciate, your concern for your boys, SeJin-ssi.” The company executive smiled tightly, smoothly interrupting the exacerbated manager, and steepled her fingers as she leaned forward. “However, I really see no reason to cancel the tour; especially as SeokJin-ssi is ready and willing.”

“With all due respect,” SeJin ground out. “He’s willing to be stupid. The tour can be delayed to allow his recovery and the company will take minimal losses; you know this.”

“Yes, it could be delayed, but it doesn’t need to be in the first place.”

“It really doesn’t.” SeokJin interjected, quickly biting his lip at the glare SeJin leveled at him before the manager continued. "I'm fine…"

“I think if we just took some time to-”

“With all due respect to  _ you _ , SeJin-ssi, time seems to be the one thing we don’t have to spare if we are going to go ahead with this. SeokJin-ssi has already declined treatment for now and wants to go on the tour; I suggest we let him.”

“This is pure madness.” SeJin pushed back from the table angrily and stormed over to the window, frowning out at the city skyline beyond it in annoyance.

“What’s madness is your insistence against his will. You seem to think surgery and treatment will fix everything but you know as well as I do that nothing is certain; are you really going to take away his possible last chance to perform?”

SeokJin’s head snapped back towards the executive with shock at the same time as SeJin twisted violently as well, his own surprise and swelling sickness reflected on his manager’s face.

"It's not like that." SeJin protested. "Of course it's going to work; of course it's his decision. I just think people forget they're human too. They can break."

"They're not children anymore, SeJin-ssi, they're young men; adults who can make their own decisions."

"Don't twist my words to make it-"

SeJin continued to argue with the executive but their sneering words seemed to fade away from SeokJin's notice as he tried to puzzle through what had already been said. It hadn’t even crossed his mind that the treatment might not work or, if it possibly wasn’t going to, would starting earlier be any better? Would it matter at all when he started if it was never going to work? Could he end up like the girl from the online post?

"-and quite frankly I find it grossly insulting that you think I care about company politics over the wellbeing of one of our idols; someone whose care and health is  _ my _ responsibility."

SeokJin jerked back into the surrounding argument just as the executive shot up from her desk with an accusing finger.

"This is getting us nowhere." SeJin huffed in annoyance and petulantly slumped back into his previously abandoned chair.

"I couldn't agree more."

"If you would just listen-"

"SeJin Hyung." SeokJin finally interrupted, not able to contain himself as his manager got closer and closer to insubordination that would cause a whole other set of issues.

SeJin sighed and slowly turned to look at SeokJin, his gaze hopeful but also resigned as if he knew what was coming. Maybe he did, they had known each other for so long now.

"Hyung, I know you're trying to help but so is Sunbae-Nim." SeokJin nodded respectfully to the executive who was leaning back in her chair and silently regarding the two men. "I need help to get through this tour and I'll need help during recovery-"

"But if you just took treatment  _ now _ instead of-"

"SeJin Hyung." SeokJin gently scolded the nearly desperate man and smiled weakly. "Please say you'll help me. Help me with the tour and then help me recover from everything  _ after _ we do our jobs."

"Alright." SeJin heaved a deep breath and scrubbed his hand down his face. "Alright. We do this your way but you check-in we me if anything, and I mean anything, happens. Understand?"

"Yes."

"And we keep this quiet?"

"Yes, I don't… the others can't know. They need to focus on the tour."

SeJin opened his mouth, clearly about to disagree, but shut it again and nodded tightly. The sight of his teeth grinding beneath the flesh of his cheek made a pang of guilt flare up in SeokJin's chest but he knew he couldn't back down now.

"I think we've reached a decision, Sunbae-Nim." SeokJin turned politely to the woman still waiting behind her large, ornate desk.

“I didn’t mean to be insensitive before but- I want to say… well, I'm glad we could reach a mutual agreement.” Sensing the tension in the air, the executive continued with a small cough. “We can talk again before the tour to make sure everything is settled but I think we are done for now.”

“Yes, I think we’re done.” SeJin bit out and stormed towards the door, pausing to hold it open expectantly.

SeokJin looked hopelessly between the two senior staff before dropping into a quick bow to the executive. The woman smiled uncomfortably at him; nodding her head in acknowledgment before turning back to the documents on her desk. Swallowing, SeokJin took his leave, also dipping his head to SeJin as he passed through the doorway.

Once the door was closed behind them SeokJin let out the deep breath he was holding and sank into one of the sofas lining the small reception room for the executive's office. A short time later a weight joined him on the sofa but SeokJin continued to stare blankly down at his hands.

"You alright, kid?"

"Yeah, I… no… I just… I guess I have a lot of thinking to do."

"Is this about what she said? About it possibly not…" SeJin trailed off and SeokJin was ruthlessly happy he wouldn't have to hear those awful words again.

"Yes."

"You can still change your mind you know."

"Can I?" SeokJin asked dubiously. "Even after you shouted at her and I agreed to everything."

"You agreed in  _ there _ ; you can still change your mind out here. Everyone would understand, Bang PD-nim, the executives, the guys… why don't you tell them, Jin-a? They could help."

SeokJin snorted, he couldn't tell them. The memory of his conversation to JaeHwan began to swim in front of his eyes, taunting, mocking. If he couldn't tell his  _ best friend _ , bottling it at the last second to say he was only upset about the week-long delay caused by his infection instead of the truth, for fear of how much it would upset the other man, of course, he couldn't tell the guys. Couldn't tell his brothers, he had to protect them.

"I'll tell them when I'm ready." SeokJin relied vaguely once he had his thoughts ordered, it didn't matter that he would never be ready. "I've barely got my own head around it and explaining it to them… I-"

"I get it." SeJin hushed him and nodded wisely. "And you don't need me constantly trying to push you around either. I'll stop questioning you but know that I'm always here for you, whatever you need."

"Well, actually…" SeokJin began sheepishly.

"What?"

"I need a lift back to the dorm… so…"

"The things I do for you kids." SeJin muttered to himself as he rolled his eyes to the ceiling before patting SeokJin on the thigh and climbing to his feet. "Come on then, let's get you home."

The drive to the dorm went quickly as they discussed the latest NBA results from the most recent game and how Yoongi had made a fool of himself trying to recreate a move on the complex's courts. Once back, SeokJin felt listless as he moved from room to room with no purpose and, when even Yeontan gave up trying to play with him to retire to one of the rooms, he reluctantly settled down in the kitchen just to wait.

SeokJin sighed and threw his glasses down on the table with a clatter; tipping his head back to rub at his tired and aching eyes.

_ What was the point of them anyway? _

The stylists were adamant he couldn't wear them during public appearances - they ruined his handsome face apparently - and the contact lenses were far too uncomfortable to deal with on a regular basis. The only times SeokJin could really use his glasses were in the dorm or at the company, and even that was discouraged in case others saw, so the frames were barely used at all.

It was frustrating to have them on hand but be barred from wearing them. Even if he did, by some miracle, have some downtime to just chill it would be unlikely the prescription was still the same after a few months of traveling or shows.

It was a waste of money and the glasses were next to useless.

So  _ fucking _ useless.

Shaking his head, SeokJin sat forward again and returned the glasses to his face. The effect was almost nothing. The fuzzy kitchen stayed fuzzy and his pounding headache seemed to get even stronger as he glanced around. The only reason SeokJin didn't immediately remove the glasses again was the knowledge NamJoon would lecture him for hours about ruining his eyesight if he was caught without them. SeokJin snorted.

Ruined, his eyesight was already ruined.

Not that it really mattered. As long as he could still sing and smile in the general direction of the fans it would all be okay. The stylists could keep their little fantasy of a perfect idol and the group could keep performing.

The sound of the door slamming open and several voices spilling into the silence apartment jolted SeokJin out of his musings and he turned slightly on the chair to watch the members file past. Most of the guys seemed not to notice him as they trailed by, exhausted from practice and singing lessons during the afternoon.

TaeHyung was the first one to enter, eyes blinking heavily and he sleepwalked into the room.

"Hyung?" TaeHyung suddenly drew up short, instantly wide away and looking very awkward. "I didn't… know you were… here."

SeokJin took a moment to consider TaeHyung's reaction. They had seen each other since SeokJin's uncharacteristic explosion in the living room but that had been at morning dance practice; there had been no time to sit down and talk. After that the others had grouped off to work on things while SeokJin had his meeting. The tensions and confusion still lingered in every line of TaeHyung's tense frame and SeokJin couldn't allow that.

"Probably good I was because you look exhausted. Can I make you anything to eat?"

Food was generally a pretty good apology when it came to the guys but TaeHyung shook his head and seemed to shrink down on himself even more.

"No, it's okay. You don't have to."

"It's no trouble."

"It- it's fine, Hyung, I was just about to take Yeontan out anyway. I can eat with everyone else."

"Maybe some fresh air would be a good idea." SeokJin agreed, still determined to actually talk to TaeHyung and sort everything. "Alright if I join you?"

TaeHyung tensed up even more at his words and even took a physical step back; already shaking his head with a complaint ready on his lips.

"I don't think that's a good idea. You've still got an ear infection, Hyung, the cold might make it worse."

SeokJin frowned, TaeHyung actually had him there but he wasn't going to give up just yet. Casting around the room for something more to offer, SeokJin let his shoulders sag and tried a last-ditch attempt.

"Sure I can't get you something? A snack to have as you walk?"

"No, I'm really okay Hyung."

SeokJin could only watch as TaeHyung turned his back and called out Yeontan to come to heel. The little dog came flying into the room, a tornado of happy yips as he danced around TaeHyung before spotting SeokJin and launching towards him instead.

Out of habit, SeokJin bent down to greet Yeontan only then realising he was stopping TaeHyung from leaving when he was clearly uncomfortable. Before he could hurriedly stand back up again, Yeontan had leaped into his half outstretched arms and began vigorously licking SeokJin's face.

"I'm sorry."

The barely audible words tore SeokJin's attention away from Yeontan's affections to TaeHyung's rigid back. TaeHyung hadn't moved from the doorway but his hand now had a white knuckle grip on the door frame.

"What are you sorry for?" SeokJin questioned in disbelief, it was him, if anyone, that needed to apologise.

"I keep bothering you and Yeontan is just…"

"You're not bothering me TaeHyung-a." SeokJin bit his lip in consideration before continuing. "I want you to bother me. This sick Hyung of yours needs some bothering once in a while and Yeontan is just being friendly. It's no bother, really."

"But yesterday…"

"I was tired and I snapped, which I shouldn't have done, but you're never a bother Tae. It's not something to feel bad about."

"But if I hadn't been pushing you and just listened… You're sick and I just made you feel worse. I'm really sorry, Hyung."

TaeHyung wheeled around as the words tumbled from his mouth and the anguish on his face made SeokJin's heart melt. They all knew that TaeHyung felt things hard and he felt them so complexly; let them all affect him so much that it was just what SeokJin needed after the day he had had.

"Oh Hyungie." SeokJin sighed and pulled Yeontan closer subconsciously to reassure himself as much as the dog and owner in front of him. "You really don't have to feel bad about this."

"But I upset you and you're ill. I was being stupid and selfish."

"Hardly, you just wanted to hang out."

"I didn't _think_ though. I didn't think about how it would affect you. What if something serious was wrong with you, or one of the others, and I made it worse. I couldn't bear it if-"

"Hey." SeokJin stepped forward to grab TaeHyung's shoulder and Yeontan whined softly in distress. "We've all got each other's backs here. If you fuck up it's not the end of the world, someone else can step in until everything is better."

"I just… I couldn't bear it if something was wrong and I couldn't help. You're really alright, aren't you Hyung?"

"O-of course." SeokJin stuttered as the words caught in his throat.

TaeHyung eyed him critically and SeokJin hoped the broad smile on his face would soothe any doubts the young man still had left. It took a few more beats of silence before TeaHyung relaxed and the tension in the room evaporated as the usual mischief settled in TaeHyung's eyes.

"Good because I could never forgive myself if you weren't."

Despite the teasing nature of the words they still caught SeokJin off guard. It was as though the other guys were giving him advice and pain pointed directly at his heart. Yoongi and his worry; NamJoon and his trust; Jungkook with his respect, and now TaeHyung and his guilt. It hurt, it hurt so much SeokJin couldn't breathe for a few seconds, and he knew that he  _ should _ tell them- but he couldn't.

He couldn't, but he could calm and try to repair the problems the others had. He could do that at least.

"Well, I forgive you and  _ you _ ." SeokJin added playfully as he nuzzled into Yeontan's warm fur. "No need to feel guilty at all."

"You're not mad?"

"Of course not, I offered to cook for you didn't I? How could I be mad and do that? Speaking of… you want something now we're over that silliness?"

"No, I really do have to take Yeontan out but maybe… maybe I can help with dinner? If it's not a bother to-"

It's not. That would be great." SeokJin beamed at the suggestion.

"Awesome. I'll see you later then." TaeHyung's answering smile was just as happy as he bounced out of the room and Yeontan jumped out of SeokJin's arms to follow him.

Suddenly feeling cold with the lack of a small body in his arms, SeokJin wrapped his arms around his middle and stared around the kitchen for a few minutes. The sound of the front door slamming jerked him into action and, not even bothering to call out a reprimand, he walked out into the hallways and then stopped as he saw a light from the living room.

As he walked closer, SeokJin could begin to hear the faint sounds of a video game the guys favoured at the moment. Stepping just into view of the room but still hidden in the doorway, SeokJin watched Hoseok aimlessly jamming buttons on the controller as he sprawled on the sofa.

The way the fabric seems to swallow Hoseok as he reclined on the sofa made it seem as if the man hadn't moved at all recently despite SeokJin knowing they had all been at morning dance practice. It was comforting to see something so normal and, after a few moments of spying, SeokJin managed to shake off his weird feelings and walk normally into the room.

Hoseok's only acknowledgment of his arrival was a grunt and subtle jut of his chin as he kept his eyes glued to the screen. SeokJin, used to the behaviour, didn't expect anything further and had just settled on the sofa to mess around on his phone for a bit and maybe find the setting to get larger text size that SeJim had suggested when Hoseok spoke.

"You doing okay?"

"Yeah, doing great. Infection is clearing up and I got the go-ahead at the meeting."

"Sounds good."

They lapsed back into silence and SeokJin assumed they had finished talking as the sounds from the game intensified. Hoseok was slamming the buttons for a few minutes before he relaxed and returned to normal speed.

"So… did you fix things with him then?"

SeokJin stared over at Hoseok, who hadn't even turned his head once, before sighing and resigning himself to the questions, but not without a little fun first.

"Of course I have. Yeontan is very sweet when he apologizes."

"Nice." Hoseok snorted but a level of seriousness remained on his face. "But you did sort it right?"

"Yeah. We talked."

"Good."

The silence returned once again and SeokJin didn't even bother picking his phone back up, simply waiting until Hoseok could divide his focus again. Hoseok took some time to finish the intense round before completely dropping the controller and turning to meet SeokJin's gaze.

"It's affecting them a lot, you know."

"Them?" SeokJin asked timidly, dread rising in his chest.

"Yeah, Jungkook and TaeHyung are especially troubled; I think Jimin too but he's better at hiding it. I don't blame them, it was fucking scary to see you go down like that."

"I'm sorry."

"Not your fault." Hoseok shrugged. "No one's fault but at least we know what's wrong now."

"Yeah."

"That said, don't think my heart could take another incident like that so… please, just take care of yourself."

"It's just an ear infection; its-" SeokJin started to protest but Hoseok cut him off with a deep frown.

" _ Whatever _ it is that's going on, Hyung; whatever is worrying you, just know we support you, okay?"

SeokJin's world seemed to grind to a halt at those words. Hoseok knew, he didn't know everything but he certainly knew something. Had he told the others? Had he been chosen to tell SeokJin off for keeping secrets?

SeokJin couldn't bear to keep watching Hoseok's face as thoughts and doubts and fears raced through his head as he gazed down at his bow shaking hands as he dragged in deep breaths.

"You're not going to ask me what it is?" SeokJin asked, his shoulders hunching up as he waited for the answer.

"No…" Hoseok paused and seemed to think about his words carefully before continuing. "I think if you haven't told us already… then… maybe it would do more harm than good right now."

"Hoseok-a…"

"Don't worry Hyung. I'll keep your secret and I'll wait for when you're ready."

Hoseok offered SeokJin a small, tight smile across the room before wordlessly picking up the controller and turning back to the game. SeokJin sat frozen as the noises seemed to eek back into his awareness and clash with the shattered pieces inside his mind.

Hoseok knows.

_ Fuck _ .


	7. Keep secretly, secretly getting covered in bruises.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we go again. Another week and another offload of my mental trash onto here. Have fun :)
> 
> Big thanks to my beta reader @m00dym00nie on twitter, especially as you had to put up with my drunk baking and getting starry-eyed about my roommates today. As always, you doing awesome.
> 
> I really hope you enjoy this chapter, it's the last piece of the 'set-up' I guess and from now on we getting some ACTION. Yup, exciting. If you do enjoy this chapter, please drop a Kudo and leave a comment - I always want to hear from you and get to read your thoughts.  
> Also if you want to see what other loony stuff I get up to, maybe give us a cheeky follow on @Ryeowooksgiraff on twitter. x

SeokJin tilted his neck to each side, sighing at the loud cracks each stretch gave him, before hopping off the doctor's examination table and moving to sit opposite the man at his desk. The quiet throughout the examination had nearly driven SeokJin mad, the high pitched ringing beginning to bring a slight twinge of pain right behind his eyes.

Doctor Lim kept his attention on the computer screen for a few moments, typing up his findings and observations, before turning to SeokJin with a serious smile. A kind of smile that SeokJin had been catching aimed his way a lot recently; sympathetic and falsely hopeful.

“The infection is clearing up nicely; you should be fine to fly in the next few days. I'll prescribe another round of ear-drops just to make sure.”

“That’s all I wanted to hear, Doctor-nim.” SeokJin returned the smile brightly and tried to ignore the churning in his gut at the obvious ‘but’ that was coming.

“So you said.” Doctor Lim leaned back and shook his head in defeat. “You’ll be able to fly to the US for the tour, SeokJin-ssi, but I still don’t recommend it.”

“You said I would be fine.”

“To  _ fly _ . Everything else is... debatable. This is a degenerative condition and it can be very serious; I'm worried you've underestimated it."

SeokJin couldn’t hold back the deep exhale at the doctor's words, it had been the same thing repeated over and over again every time he had this conversation. The treatment process had only just started and SeokJin was already fed up with being in the hospital and a poking bag for doctors to experiment with. The white walls, white papers, and white lies everywhere he went had begun to haunt him and SeokJin really hated the reminder that something was wrong, broken, within him. He felt fine and he was perfectly capable of looking after himself so it was just frustrating when everyone treated him as though he might shatter at any second.

The thought of having to spend any longer in the place, even the few months it would take for him to go through surgery and the recovery process, made SeokJin even more determined to get away and complete the tour. Being in that place and being surrounded by sympathetic glances was driving him crazy beyond belief and he found himself longing for the mask of BTS Jin to cover his turmoil even just for a few hours.

“You’ve already explained all this. I want to go; I  _ need _ to go.”

“I know you think you do, but-.” Doctor Lim shook his head and hunched over the table to sign a form that was lying on the desk between them. “I’ve signed you off for travel and participation in the tour.”

“Thank you.”

“Don’t thank me yet.”

“Still so gloomy Doctor-nim?” SeokJin tried to joke but it fell flat.

“I’ll see you in three months.” The Doctor continued as if SeokJin hadn’t spoken. “I was informed you had August and September off before moving on to Saudi Arabia and then back to South Korea?”

“Yeah. Do you think-" SeokJin's mouth suddenly dried up. Doctor Lim could be asking about timings for another run of the mill check-up but there was something behind the casual words that caught his attention. "W-will you be operating… then, I mean?”

“That’s the plan, for your cataracts at the very least. Just try and stay healthy until then. I’m going to print off some eye exercises and tests for you to do, so just keep everyone updated if there are any changes.”

“I will do, Doctor-nim. It will all be fine and I’ll see you in three months, no problem.” SeokJin smiled widely at the good news and stood to bow to the doctor in farewell.

“Goodbye SeokJin.” Doctor Lim replied with a small bow of his head but no trace of a smile.

SeokJin nodded curtly and squared his shoulders before heading out the door to find Sejin to take him back to the dorms. The grave expression on the doctor’s face tried to worm its way into SeokJin’s brain as he walked down the featureless corridor.

Doctor Lim clearly thought he was making a mistake, and Sejin had clearly agreed with him, and the doubt at his actions began to lap at SeokJin’s mind like an ocean tide. Spotting the men's' toilet door to his direct left, SeokJin quickly ducked into the small room to gather his thoughts.

The appointment had gone well and SeokJin has got his wish to attend the tour but it still felt hollow. He was hiding from the others,  _ lying  _ to the others, and ignoring advice from people he should trust the most. The uncertainty began to pound at his mind, the gentle tide becoming a storm that began to whip up the waves. The doctors knew about this stuff, it was their job to know, and they had all clearly thought he was crazy for delaying treatment but SeokJin just  _ couldn’t _ .

Couldn’t admit he wasn’t a hundred percent well; couldn’t accept that maybe he wasn’t strong enough to fight this - how could you fight something that wasn’t visible anyway? - and it made SeokJin’s skin crawl to think of the others seeing him differently. He wasn’t an invalid, he was their Hyung and a grown-up capable of making decisions about his life and health; he couldn’t lose that. He couldn’t; so while he now  _ knew  _ he was making a mistake, SeokJin couldn’t back down.

Taking a deep breath, SeokJin ignored the tsunami of doubt and confusion drowning his mind; filling his ears with a deafening roar. Quickly splashing his face with cold water from the sink, SeokJin shook himself and glared at the face in the mirror that looked back with fearful eyes.

“None of that.” SeokJin hissed at the reflection. “You chose this; you want this. You  _ want  _ this.”

Nodding to himself, SeokJin dried his face off and slammed open the door to continue back to Sejin.

Once he arrived back at the waiting room the tension in his gut had only tightened at the sight of how busy it was. SeokJin wasn’t really bothered about being seen at a hospital since his ear infection had been publicly addressed by BigHit to explain the week-long delay of the tour, but the crush of bodies and constant bustle would make navigation of the room tricky.

Taking a step forward SeokJin almost jumped when a patient being wheeling in a chair nearly collided with him out of the darkness at the side of his vision. SeokJin quickly leaped back and bowed in apology to the man and the nurse pushing him along. Gathering his nerves after the near-miss, SeokJin glanced around himself before trying again.

After a few more false starts to cross the room SeokJin felt a gentle hand settle on his arm and he turned to see Sejin smiling at him warily. Deciding to accept the help without complaint, and not embarrass himself anymore in the waiting room, SeokJin allowed himself to be guided out of the hospital.

“Still sure?” Sejin asked as they stepped out into the carpark.

“Doctor Lim signed me off for travel.”

“Not what I asked.”

“No... I guess it wasn’t.”

Sejin nodded and didn’t ask anything else until they were sitting in heavy traffic and nearly halfway back to the dorms. SeokJin had been gazing out of the window as he tried to fight back a headache from the heat of the car and the constant buzzing in his ears when Sejin spoke.

“How did the appointment go?”

“Doctor Lim said the infection was clearing up and I could travel. He gave me the usual warning to look after myself and stuff. Mentioned the operation might happen in August.”

“August? That’s good.”

“Yeah, he wasn’t sure if it would be both then but he suggested it.”

“Gives you something to think about.”

“Sure.”

The car lapsed back into silence and SeokJin could tell Sejin had something more to say. The man’s grip on the steering wheel was white-knuckled and his jaw was grinding so roughly that SeokJin could feel a sympathetic ache start-up in his own jaw.

“Say it.”

“What?” Sejin feigned surprise. “I don’t have-”

“Yeah, you do.” SeokJin interrupted and wiggled his eyebrows to tease the other man.

“I just need to check, one last time, you’re sure about this?”

“I’m sure.” SeokJin nodded, ignoring the tightness in his throat as he said the words.

_ Liar _ .

“Alright.” Sejin nodded but kept his gaze firmly away from SeokJin and out on the crawling traffic in front of them. “I guess we better get you back to do some packing then.”

“Oh, fun.”

Sejin finally glanced over at him, a fond smile spreading on his face, and SeokJin felt some of the tension unravel at last. The worry was still palpable in the air but SeokJin knew Sejin had his back and that meant an awful lot.

They continued to the dorm in relative silence but it was comfortable and routine in a way that had been absent for a long time, the finalized plan on what needed to happen; giving them both something solid to think about instead of just hypothetical maybes. SeokJin hopped out quickly when they pulled into the parking garage and waved goodbye feeling almost back to normal.

He had just entered the code to the door and stepped through; turning towards the stairs when a sharp pain erupted in his head. A wave of sickening dizziness had him leaning heavily into the wall, his headache becoming excruciating as he was left to just breathe through it.

When the floor finally stopped swaying around him, SeokJin blinked at the harsh light in the corridor; continuing to take shuddering breaths and keep the nausea at bay. His muscles were beginning to cramp from the painful tension throughout his body and SeokJin realised he had fallen into a squat against the wall.

Scrambling to get back up to his feet made SeokJin's head wobble alarmingly again but the embarrassment of being in such a position forced him to straighten up fully. The sick feeling in his stomach and throat made SeokJin instantly want to curl back up again but he needed to get back to the dorms at least.

Glaring up at the stairs in front of him as though they had caused his headache and illness, SeokJin turned to head towards the lifts. One time missing the stairs wouldn't destroy his fitness; plus he had just come back from the doctor's clinic - it was allowed. Shrugging to himself, SeokJin tried to push the pain and worry away as he jabbed at the lift button.

The trip up to his floor seemed to take far longer than usual and SeokJin leaned his head back against the cool mirror to try and ease the bubbling sickness in his gut. The sound of the doors finally opening felt like sweet relief despite the horrible grating sound they always made.

SeokJin mentally prepared himself as he slunk down the corridor to the dorms. Taking deep breaths with every step, SeokJin managed to square his shoulders off and force a smile onto his face before he unlocked the door and stepped inside.

"Hyung, you're back." Jimin called happily as he instantly materialised in the entranceway.

"Yup, safe and sound."

"What did the doctor say?"

"Infection is clearing up and…"

"And what?" Jimin asked, leaned forward in his desperation to know.

"I'm cleared to fly."

"Congratulations, Hyung." Jimin punched SeokJin in the shoulder as a wide smile spread across his face. "It's a good thing too, otherwise you wouldn't have been able to call yourself worldwide handsome anymore."

"What are you talking about?"

"Can't be worldwide if you're only in Korea, Hyung."

SeokJin pretended to pout a little at Jimin's words; shaking his head and continuing to take off his coat and shoes. The teasing felt nice and SeokJin could almost forget about the headache pounding on his head and causing painful tension down his neck.  _ Almost _ .

"He can barely call himself that now." SeokJin turned to find Yoongi coming out of the living room to join them. "Have to be handsome to do that."

SeokJin's mouth fell open as he watched Yoongi's deadpan delivery before disappearing off into another room of the dorm. Jimin was immediately cackling with laughter, his head thrown back, and SeokJin soon found himself joining in.

"You need help with anything to get ready?" Jimin asked once he could contain his laughter.

"I just need to finish packing but I wouldn't mind the company if you're at a loose end."

"Of course, someone's got to look after you."

SeokJin brushed off his flinch at the words and reminded himself forcefully that Jimin was only trying to help. It wasn't his dongsaeng's fault that he didn't know how close to home those words really were. Would the other's really stand by him if he lost his independence? Could they really slow down enough to make sure he could keep up?

Without a shadow of a doubt, SeokJin knew they would try but the industry was cutthroat and they would only bring themselves down with him. They'd remain friends, brothers, but if the treatment didn't work SeokJin knew he would have to let them all go.

Maybe he should delay the tour, tell the others; remove the uncertainty of the future but he couldn't. SeokJin knew it was selfish but he was scared and he wasn't ready to face it. Face his own mortality, or theirs, in such a way.

"Hyung?"

"Sorry, what?" SeokJin shook his head as Jimin's questioning voice finally broke through his racing thoughts.

"I asked if there was anything from the bathroom you needed?"

"Why?"

SeokJin knew from Jimin's frown that it was the wrong thing to say but his swirling thoughts were still trying to get back into gear with the real world. The silence in one ear working in tandem with the ringing and headache to strip SeokJin of his focus completely.

"For packing… for the tour." Jimin explained slowly. "Are you sure you're alright Hyung?"

"Yes, fine. Just a little sore from the examination earlier, my ears are still tender."

"Okay. Do you want a drink?"

"That would be lovely."

SeokJin smiled after Jimin as the younger man nodded and headed towards the kitchen, always so quick to think of others and give his all in caring for them. Jimin was fiercely loyal to his friends and co-workers, ready to care for them or defend them or just goof around; whatever the situation regarded.

Continuing to beam with pride, SeokJin headed into his room and began sorting through his things until Jimin arrived with some ice-cold water. They chatted amiably as SeokJin slowly packed everything nearly away and SeokJin made sure to keep up his water intake to fight the still increasing pain in his head.

After a little while, Jungkook bounced into the room from lunch with HoSeok and began to interrogate SeokJin in much the same way Jimin had earlier. It felt nice to have the other two making background noise as SeokJin packed with a determination that had been lacking before he had a definitive answer on whether he could travel.

It had all been rather pleasant until Jungkook had grabbed Jimin's phone and dumped the room into chaos. Jimin was instantly yelling and chasing Jungkook, who was hollering even louder than Jimin, around the room.

SeokJin tries to close his eyes and ignore the clamor behind him but the jabbing in his head wasn't to be ignored. He gave the other two a few moments to calm down but, when Jimin grabbed a pillow of the bed to attack Jungkook, SeokJin knew it could go for a while.

"Guys, can you cool it or take this somewhere else?" SeokJin croaked, utterly ignored by the fighting pair.

Rubbing at his aching face with his hands, SeokJin took a few deep breaths to fight the pain and nausea. Just as he was getting himself under control, with the aim of leaving the room himself, something bumped into him from behind and sent him tumbling off the bed -  _ hard _ .

"Fuck." SeokJin groaned to himself as he reached up to cradle his head again.

Jimin and Jungkook were still racing around on the other side of the bed; SeokJin doubted they had even noticed and usually that would have been fine but his head felt like it was going to explode. Taking a deep breath, SeokJin climbed to his feet and turned to the wrestling duo.

" **Stop it.** " SeokJin shouted over the playful yelling. " **Get out.** "

Everything froze.

Two pairs of shocked but contrite eyes turned to SeokJin and stared.

Another beat of silence passed.

Suddenly the door flew open and NamJoon was framed in the doorway, all of the other members crowding in behind him to try and see what was going on. SeokJin took a shaky breath and dragged a hand through his hair as he tried to steady himself.

"Everything alright?" NamJoon asked tentatively.

Every head in the room swiveled round to SeokJin again and he reluctantly nodded, despite the way it made his headache spike.

"Yeah… I just umm… it was just very loud."

"Sorry, Hyung." Jimin mumbled as he fiddled with his fingers and Jungkook nodded in agreement, adding.

"Yeah, sorry Hyung. We didn't think about-"

"It's alright." SeokJin rushed to reassure the two younger members. "I'm just tired."

"You sure?" TaeHyung piped up from the group by the door. "Because last time you-"

"I'm fine." SeokJin interrupted casually, trying to sooth the others' worries by quickly losing his patience.

"You can tell us if-"

"I said I was fine, alright?" SeokJin cut through NamJoon's words as well, his teeth clenched in pain and annoyance. "Just drop it."

NamJoon's mouth opened as though he was about to say more before he nodded his head and began to herd everyone out. Jimin and Jungkook gave him one last pitiful glance and a mumbled apology before heading out of the room. Soon, SeokJin was left standing alone in the room and HoSeok was the only one left, still lingering in the doorway.

"What?" SeokJin snapped, not ready for HoSeok to drop another bomb on him at that moment.

"They were only trying to help."

Despite the words being obviously it still felt as though HoSeok had let off an explosion. SeokJin stood in the wake of the words as HoSeok gently closed the door and left him alone.

The others  _ were _ only trying to help and he was being an asshole.

A selfish, ungrateful, stupid, lying asshole who couldn't stop shouting at his mates.

SeokJin let himself drop to the bed in exhaustion and stare stroppily up at the ceiling. He should go and apologize but the fucking headache was still nauseatingly present and he couldn't bring himself to move.

He could deal with it all tomorrow and, with that decided, SeokJin gave into the desire to pull the duvet over his head and hide away.

Just for a little while.


	8. My wandering feet held in a rut yeah, yeah, yeah

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, I hope you are all doing well and able to spend this time with - or at least in contact with- those most important to you. Lots have definitely changed with Corona, earthquakes, NHL being cancelled and certain laws being put in place and I just hope this might alleviate some boredom and upset.  
> Sorry for the long break in posts, I had deadlines and then a sports injury and then a rush to try and get home before all flights were grounded - anyway, I hope the wait wasn't too disappointing and I'm really grateful to those that messaged to check-in, it really means a lot.  
> I want to thank @m00dym00nie on twitter for beta reading, as always, it really is good to have someone to sound off with and just mess around.  
> If you enjoy this chapter please leave a kudo or comment and I will try to keep in contact. If you just wanna chat to pass the time maybe check me out on twitter @Ryeowooksgiraff - i don't post much but im more than happy to DM.  
> I hope you all have a lovely weekend and beyond x

SeokJin groaned and leaned back against the smooth leather of his seat as he tried to ignore the ringing in his ears. The loud bustle of the plane around him still managed to rise above the eternal tone and add to his headache. Despite barely having his eyes open for longer than a few minutes since he was bullied out of bed that morning, SeokJin still felt the drag of exhaustion on his body as he settled down.

Indistinct voices chatted around him, no doubt arguing who would be stuck next to him for the short flight to their next destination, but SeokJin just squeezed his eyes shut to try and find some relief. All three of the maknae line had declared him 'too grumpy to be dealt with voluntarily' and the other guys were probably close to agreeing with them after how he had been behaving.

At the start of the tour, SeokJin had attempted to keep up appearances, the genuine excitement for traveling and meeting the fans had helped to keep his focus off the pain in his head and ears but now, after several months of traveling, SeokJin was just _ tired _ . He was short-tempered, sullen, and prickly on a day to day basis and even worse when he actually felt bad but he just couldn't help himself.

The other guys had all picked up on his change in mood but kept their distance once the ear infection was blamed. Of course, it was a push to use it as an excuse after so many months had passed but SeokJin didn’t have the energy to make up something new. It helped that SeJin was always on hand with painkillers and a sympathetic grimace to ease the annoyance and discomfort or herd the others away. However, it was getting harder and harder to be around the other man.

At first, SeokJin had dutifully continued his eye-tests and daily check-ins with SeJin but, as the tour wore on, it got too much to see the sadness in the manager's eyes. He was slowly destroying himself, they both knew it, but there was nothing to be done now. So, slowly, SeokJin started to mention less and less of the things he noticed. Started seeking out less and less help while also trying to keep up with the rigorous demands of the tour.

The narrowing of his vision to an indistinct blur directly in front of him was only told to the bathroom mirror. The almost deafening ringing in his ears was only cried about to the patter of water in the hotel shower. The piercing headache that never really went away, despite the number of pills he popped or liters of water he chugged, was only cursed out in his head as SeokJok tried - and failed - to sleep every night.

His senses had been fading for a while, everything turning blurry and muffled as his world narrowed to the occasional touches and basically a few precious inches of clarity in front of his eyes, but SeokJin had been stubborn. Too stubborn for his own good.

He had spent the better part of the tour, and probably long before that, stubbornly holding off on admitting to himself that something so intrinsic to his life could, and would, disappear completely. The tips and tricks he had developed over years of struggling allowed him to maneuver around the issue just fine - mostly, or at least well enough to avoid SeJin and his all-knowing frown.

Ignoring the quizzical looks when he asked for the inner ear to be turned up 'just a bit more' had become second nature and it was even easier considering he couldn't see more than the stage hand's outline in the darkness backstage. The only real problem he encountered was dancing, but everyone had just assumed he wasn't quite as talented as the others early on and it suited his purpose not to correct them. It was hard to move with such power and skill when you were worried the stage might disappear under your feet with one wrong step.

Despite being almost completely trapped in his own bubble of distorted sight, painful sound, and useless lies SeokJin wanted to do well for his group and the fans. This dream meant too much to too many people, for him to give up. Instead, SeokJin had fought down the rising tide of panic and anger; forcing it back into the bowls of himself and giving everything he could for them to succeed. Mostly it worked but, more and more often, SeokJin found himself completely burnt out and lost in a world that used to feel like home.

The tinny sound of the pilot's announcement over the speakers barely managed to invade SeokJin's thoughts as he drifted through them; it was only the loud rumble of takeoff that finally roused him. If he could get earplugs and a sleep mask on quickly he could pretend to sleep for the rest of the flight in peace.

Leaning forward to root around under the seat in front of him, where he had unceremoniously dumped his travel bag as he sat down, SeokJin bit his lip against the rush of pain to his temples. He knew the painkillers were nestled in the front pocket of his bag but his body felt too heavy to try and dig them out along with a water bottle; besides, they wouldn't work anyway.

Sighing, SeokJin sat back and began to fiddle with the new packet of earplugs. The blurriness of his gaze made the plastic nearly impossible to open and as he continued to struggle the tension from his head-pain made his hands tremble enough that the small object was totally indistinguishable. Gritting his teeth, SeokJin dropped it onto his lap in frustration and ground the palm of his hand against his eyes.

"Everything alright?"

SeokJin froze at NamJoon's gentle question and took a deep breath, slowly and methodically packing away all of his problems into tightly sealed boxes before turning to the left-hand side. NamJoon had a book carelessly held open in his hand but clearly had no interest in it as the other man carefully watched him instead.

"I umm…" SeokJin swallowed, the growing pressure in his head as they continued ascending making it hard to gather a coherent thought. "I just couldn't get it open."

NamJoon raised an eyebrow but said nothing as he reached over to pluck the packet away from SeokJin. SeokJin just let him and settled back in his seat to wait. NamJoon easily opened the packet and even removed the two buds from the plastic before holding them out. SeokJin reached out to take them back but NamJoon closed his hand around SeokJin's and held tight.

"You're sure you're okay?"

"Everyone keeps asking me that." SeokJin mumbled as he looked away from NamJoon's steady gaze.  _ But no one does anything. _

"Because, quite frankly, you look like shit, Hyung." NamJoon laughed. "You look pale and shaky, what's going on?"

SeokJin felt his eyes flutter closed against his will and he let his head relax into the seat again. NamJoon slowly lowered their still joined hands to rest on the chair's divider, waiting quietly as SeokJin considered what he had the energy to explain.

"I'm so tired, Joonie," SeokJin's voice came out sounding so pathetic he almost winced at himself but he continued anyway, unable to stop the flow of words leaving his mouth. "I think I need a… a break."

"A break?"

"Maybe. Maybe I just need some time to- I don't know…"

"How long have you been feeling like this?"

"A while." SeokJin shrugged, still keeping his eyes closed and just enjoying the warmth of NamJoon's hand in his own. "It's just never-ending and I can't keep up anymore. Not anymore."

"We have a few days before the next show. You can have a break from the promotional stuff and just rest."

"I wish it was that simple."

"Why isn't it?"

"It just isn't." SeokJin snorted and let his head lull back and forth in an imitation of a head shake. "I should have listened to SeJin before the tour, it's too late for me to leave now."

"Leave?"

"Yeah, it's the only thing that will fix this."

"I didn't… I didn't know. I thought after we all talked about disbanding and agreed we'd… well, I just assumed… why didn't you say anything about wanting to leave?"

"What? No, I don't- oh, fuck."

SeokJin snapped up straight in his seat as he realised what he must have sounded like to NamJoon. The movement sent shards of pain through his tense muscles and aching head but SeokJin ignored them as he twisted to face the confused leader.

"Jin?"

"Sorry, I didn't mean leave as in  _ leave _ , I meant…" SeokJin dragged a hand through his hair and tried to force his battered brain back into gear so he could consider his options. "I'm just… look, we decided not to tell you guys at the time because - well, the reason doesn't matter - but my ear infection was actually a little worse than originally suspected."

"What do you mean-"

"Let me just explain." SeokJin interrupted and rushed to continue his story. "It caused a rupture in the eardrum which is why it's taking so long to heal, even with the medicated drops. The doctors suggested postponing the tour but I didn't want to and it's just causing me a bit of pain while I'm recovering."

"Why didn't you say it was that bad? We could have easily halted the tour for-"

"I know, I know." SeokJin rushed to reassure NamJoon as the other began to frown and probably overthink everything. "I was stupid and thought it wouldn't affect me as badly. I just- you're probably right and all I need is a few days of proper rest."

"I should have known this wasn't normal for an ear infection. I should have-"

"This isn't on you Joonie. I should have been sensible and thought about it instead of being stubborn."

"Yes, you should have."

SeokJin swallowed as a wave of guilt crept up his throat. NamJoon looked distraught at the thought of not knowing what had been going on and, therefore, letting SeokJin suffer in silence and alone. The realisation of how much his decision was likely to affect the other guys suddenly reared its ugly head in his mind. Had he really been thinking of them when he decided to keep it a secret? SeokJin doubted it but he'd come this far and he could make it to the other side. He would get the treatment and recover with no more harm done.

"I'll look after myself better and as soon as we get back to Korea I'll go to the doctors and get it all sorted out, properly this time."

"See that you do."

"I promise, leader-nim, you don't have to worry about this Hyung."

"I always worry about you guys." NamJoon shook his head and finally let go of his tight grip on SeokJin's hand. "You're all very worrisome."

SeokJin couldn't help a small chuckle at NamJoon's words and the smile that grew stayed on his face even as the pause in conversation grew longer. SeokJin moved his hand and let the earplugs roll around on his palm for a few moments as he considered the new weightlessness in his chest.  _ Was it really that easy to just tell them? _ Maybe.

"Would you…" NamJoon started to speak but paused and turned to consider SeokJin intensely.

"What?"

"I know you said SeJin was aware of things but, if you wanted to talk ever, you could still come to me. No pressure."

"I'll let you know if I need anything but I'm sure everything will be alright."

"Good, because I need you. We all need you. We're not us with you."

"Don't be sappy. Of course you'd be able to continue. We're trained for the possibility of-"

"Yeah, we'd be  _ able _ to but we wouldn't  _ want _ to. You know we'd wait until you were better if we can - however, long that might be."

"What grossly romantic and philosophical book did that line come from?" SeokJin pulled a face at NamJoon's words as he tried to hold himself together from the sincerity behind them.

"I don't remember, but it's still pretty good don't you think?"

"Whatever you say."

"I do say."

"Say it again and I'll push you out the plane."

"You could try." Suddenly all the teasing disappeared from NamJoon's face and he frowned again. "Get some sleep Hyung, you really do look exhausted and definitely not like someone who could push me off a plane."

"Alright, alright. I'll sleep but only so I can teach you a lesson when we land."

"Want me to wake you for drinks or snacks?"

"Nah, I'll just sleep."

NamJoon nodded and turned back to his discarded book. SeokJin crammed the earplugs into his ear, giving them a moment to expand and mold to his ears, before slipping his eye mask over his face. Once he leaned back SeokJin found himself relaxing for the first time in a while. The darkness soothed his eyes and lessened the headache while the intermittent ringing in his ears had decided to give him some peace and quiet for a while and it felt like everything just fell away.

SeokJin woke up a few hours later feeling like he had slept properly for the first time since he could really remember even with a twinge in his neck protesting sleeping in a chair, despite it being first class. The little bit of uninterrupted rest really seemed to make a world of difference as SeokJin gazed around at his surroundings.

NamJoon was patiently waiting in his seat beside him while the rest of the passengers moved to grab luggage and coats. Beyond NamJoon, SeokJin could see the other guys sitting across the aisle. Jungkook and TaeHyung were sat close together and probably desperately trying to finish a level on their switch game before having to disembark while Jimin and Yoongi sat next to them engrossed in their phones. In contrast, Hoseok was draped across the back of his seat as he stood in the furthest aisle almost definitely trying to smooth talk an attractive flight attendant who wore a bashful smile from his attention.

SeokJin snorted at the sight which made NamJoon look over at him questioningly. SeokJin simply nodded in HoSeok's direction and waited to see what NamJoon would say. When the other man turned back to him blankly, SeokJin shook his head and leaned in conspiratorially.

"Do you think he'll get her information?"

"He already did. She wrote it on a napkin while handing out drinks."

"That was quick."

"It was. Brave too but I can't imagine she gets turned down very often."

"Please tell me I'm not rooming with him? He's not going to shut up about it."

"Don't worry, after the ribbing TaeHyung-a gave him I think he'll keep quiet."

"I go to sleep  _ one time _ and everything happens while I'm out." SeokJin muttered to himself in amazement, disappointed he'd missed TaeHyung's hilariously scathing comments on the matter.

"Are you feeling better though?"

"Yeah, much better. I really was tired."

"Good, but don't let it get this bad again. Take the next few days off."

"I will."

"I can talk to SeJin with you, vouch for you."

"It'll be fine since he already knows. It will probably be a relief for him."

"I hope you didn't stress him out too much, he doesn't need any more help to start growing grey hairs."

"You're right… maybe I should get him a gift or treat him to a meal?"

"No, you're going to rest but you can give me some money and I'll make sure he knows it's from you."

"Money? You're going to swindle money from you poor, sick Hyung? Oh, the humanity."

"Sick? Are you feeling unwell Hyung?" Jungkook suddenly asked from where he was waiting on the aisle.

"Just a little but nothing some good food and rest won't-"

"Food? Are you treating us to lunch Jin Hyung?" TaeHyung popped his head around Jungkook's shoulder, looking helpful.

"Yah, you brat. All you care about is food, isn't it?"

"Umm yeah, what else should I be worried about?"

"You!" SeokJin threw both his used earplugs at TaeHyung's face and laughed when the younger man fell back into his seat to avoid them.

Before TaeHyung could scramble to his feet to retaliate, SeJin had appeared to guide them off the plane and onwards with their journey. SeokJin took his time to gather his bag from under the seat and double-checked he hadn't left anything and then triple-checked NamJoon hadn't left anything. By the time he straightened up again the others had cleared out and only a nervous Jungkook remained.

"You forget something?" SeokJin asked as he slung his bag onto his shoulder and they started moving down the aisle together.

"No."

"Then we should catch up with the others."

"Are you still sick, Hyung?"

SeokJin had to stop walking as Jungkook paused and turned back to look at him. Jungkook looked genuinely worried just like he had that first day back in their dorm but also… like something else. Logically SeokJin knew it was just the kid's natural compassion making him worry but SeokJin almost felt accused by the simple words; like he had betrayed the other - well, he had in a way.

"We need to get off the plane. Let's go."

"Are you?" Jungkook asked again, standing his ground and not allowing SeokJin past.

"Yes, Jungkookie, but I'm going to be fine. I promise I'll get all the treatment I need as soon as possible."

"You're not lying to me, right Hyung?"

"Why would I lie?"

Jungkook stared at him for a few moments before shaking his head and turning to continue down the aisle. SeokJin watched him leave, completely baffled by his words, before pulling himself together and following his maknae off the plane.


End file.
